Miss Autumn

I have been thinking a lot. ‘Too much’ some would say.

I have to talk to some close friends about it first but i hope to write up my thoughts in full when they have matured into words that will make sense on paper. Suffice to say that it could be nearly over. The forrest is still dense but i can see sunlight through the thick leaves.

I have a fondness for each season. I will always love the one i am in the best, whatever it happens to be. Autumn is pretty and i get to wear coats and be warm. It is also dark and mysterious. It fits me well (or do i fit to it?)

University work is getting much harder. This first assignment will go badly. Hopefully it will spur me on to do better in the next.

I haven’t spoken to my trans friends recently. I hope they do not think that i am abandoning them. I just need to be in a neutral place to sort this out.

x

To sleep perchance to dream

I have been having very lucid and peculiar dreams of late. A few nights ago i dreamt of motorbiking around a posh dinner party where prizes were being given out. I was awarded a horse with a silly amount of modern technology fitted to the saddle. I rode everywhere but the things kept slipping and i had to reach round and put them straight.

The night after that i was at an old great house and for some reason i had to fly a course to test my abilities in a slow single seat biplane. I could control it easily but i forgot where i was mean to be going. I ended up in an old city with gothic buildings covered in vines. There were many small rivers making their way through the city. It was a silly cross between Venice and Durham, but exaggerations of both. The sun was setting and casting a golden glow over everything. I forgot about getting to where i wanted to go and i just flew around the buildings, landing on the roofs and skimming the rivers and bridges. It was autumn.

Tonight’s dream was odd and lovely. I can only remember the last part. For whatever reason i was lying on a sofa on the stage of my old school hall except that it was at university. I was dressed up all nicely. Someone was giving a speech and i just lay there gazing into his eyes. He held up a photo for all to see. It had been taken a few days before when we had last gathered in the hall. I was a black and white photograph of me and those around me in the hall. Everyone was looking at the camera except one girl over my left shoulder who was staring at me with a concentration i have never before seen. I turned away from the photo to look for her in the seated crowd. She slowly stood up and looked directly at me with a smile. She wore her hair in a short dark brown bob. Her neck was long and her shoulders thin. She was the same height as me and it suddenly struck me that she was a man. The audience had long known and were all smiling at our meeting. Everyone else faded and it was her and i left alone.

We talked for hours. She was on my course at university. She showed me her folders full of notes. She was meticulous in her studies. She clearly was a hard worker. A strange point was that she used novelty key rings to illustrate major points with. One page had monkeys one spelling out the word ‘SEX’. On closer inspection, all the monkeys had different names for condoms on them. This seemed like a perfectly natural thing to do.

We got on very well. Instant best friends, we shared numbers and promised to meet again soon. The world spun and i was in a London street following a group of young men to an underground bar. They were all army officers and were dressed in battle gear. I am not sure what i was wearing, possible still nice girl things from the previous scene. I got talking to someone who happened to be the brother of the girl i had met. It seemed that everyone accepted totally that she was a girl. There didn’t seem to be any mention of her not being one. Although she was very pretty, she didn’t quite pass, but people saw her for what she wanted them to. He saw i had her phone in my hand. I must have forgotten to return it. We ate soup and vodka till i was spun back onto the street at which point a crowd had gathered and an old style London Bus had turned up.

She was there and she had a friend. Her friend was also a trans woman. They had never had any hormonal treatment, they were just very good at dressing up.

I was suddenly in a huge dress walking down the street with everyone following me. The bus had departed with all the army people i had become friends with. I talked and walked with her for hours before i woke up.

She was my best friend ever and i will never see her again.

I didn’t even ask for her name.

[Yes the photo is of me]

Battle with the red queen.

Things will change. The direction is uncertain, but the magnitude of the event will not be small.

I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Chicago thinking heavily about what is to come. A plan is formulating in my mind. I have yet to commit it to paper but that will happen soon enough. Hopefully, if i follow all the steps in the scheme, i will have happiness of a sort in whatever shape my body ends up in. My time in America is being documented, but in paper form. There is a girl who needs to read it more than anyone else. If she allows me, i will put it up here, but later.

I have been having lots of thoughts about lots of things. This is a difficult time but it feels slightly productive. By the end of the summer, a path will have been chosen and then all i will have to do it walk down it. I could run, but it depends on how nice the road is. I will have plans for each eventuality. Some more extreme than the others. Some that people won’t agree with, not even those close to me and who support me in what i am doing. They may have difficulty understanding why some stages of the plans are necessary. They are just things that need to be done for me to feel like i can continue.

Having a course makes things a little easier in my mind, but it still leaves a significant amount of unrest. Different unrest.

The plans may be published on this blog, but i may want to keep them to myself and only tell you when they have been done. I will decide later.

I miss people from home that made me feel better about being myself but being in a strange place is liberating. I spent all day practising my girl walk. All smiles. I may get it yet.

I hope to update soon.

xx

Days of sleep

Last night we made a hovercraft! But that is another story.

The exams are very soon. The revision is going badly. The concentration is lacking and i sleep at peculiar times. These are not related, but occurring at the same time, they are infuriating.

Here is a brief update of things.

• Lily and i are going strong.
• Exams are being difficult and i worry.
• I plan to be the trans representative for my university.
• I must develop a normal sleeping routine by tomorrow.
• I plan to buy a vespa ^_^
• I have met some lovely people online who have made things easier to cope with.
• I have met some lovely people offline who have made things nicer.
• I am off to the USA with my father. I must talk to him about my feelings.
• The summer will be difficult. More on that later.

‘Cause I’m half sick of shadows,
I want to see the sky.
Everyone else can watch the sun goes down,
So why can’t I?

Start of the holidays

University is more of a holiday than anything else. You are surrounded by your friends, you do the things that you want to do, and you are away from your parents. 

The Easter break was not a holiday for me. I did not enjoy myself. I sat in my room slowly rotting while waiting for the day to end. It was a most unpleasant experience and i am not looking forward to the summer holidays.

My thoughts about being Alice have been very mixed. I haven’t dressed up for a long while even when i have had many opportunities to do so. I have been trying to think of a explanation but nothing comes to mind. Perhaps i am coming to accept the fact that i will never be a convincing girl so i may as well try and be an ok boy. Since i have been open about having gender dysphoria, i have been distanced from ‘normal’ people. This could be because they find it difficult to talk to someone who they know nothing about and could be frightened of. Or, it could be because i am avoiding doing thing that i think of as boyish, and as such people don’t want to be seen with me because i am not being a boy. I am fairly sure that it is a combination of both of these points, but there is one way in which it can be solved.

If i give up trying to be a girl until i am stable and settled, could i be happier? Would having friends counter the horrible feeling of living a lie?

I feel experimentation is needed. It is too late to win favor in my classes. They already know me as the quiet and strange one. I have a plan.

I cut my hair, buy a wig, and return to being Alice in my own time. I could share her with some very close friends, but otherwise she would remain hidden. I could hide it from everyone who didn’t need to know. Even a girl friend (if i ever get one) wouldn’t need to know. If i get a boy friend, i would probably tell him, but i don’t seem to be very popular in the gay community. I mean people like me, but they wouldn’t consider going out with me, or even kissing me.

I feel very young again. I feel like i have never been kissed or been with anyone. I feel like starting again would be a real step backwards and i am afraid of it.

Coming out was very difficult. Going through it again would be traumatic.

It is likely that i will get very drunk tonight and end up being miserable. Sad times for all.

xx

The clouded future

And so, after a long break, i return to my blog.

Thank you to all who have been visiting during my absence. I hope i will not disappoint you in posts to come.

I am about to get in the bath, relax and wash. Then i will wax my legs, shave my other parts and try out my new outfit. I have been very confused in my thoughts over the past few months and it has had a severe detrimental effect on my life. I have been sitting alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. The loneliness is extremely difficult for me to cope with. I know that if i cut my hair and become a boy again, i will rarely be alone. I will be liked and not avoided like some virulent disease. Sadly, such an option involves me lying to myself and returning to the internal pain of a few years ago.

Is the emotional turmoil or not telling anyone my secret worse than the emotional hell of having no friends because i am trying to be true to myself? (Rhetoric)

Lily is coming to stay tomorrow and i am going to try and be as much of a girl around her as i feel comfortable to do. I fear her coming because we have been fighting and we are both still raw. Luckily, we both need each other to survive, so things should work out.

We plan to take some nice photos of me as a girl so you can expect goodies.

I plan to provide an update tomorrow, or on monday regarding lily’s stay.

x

14/2/08 – 17/2/08

Thursday the 14th of February. St Valentine’s day. My first.

Lily came to stay.

I had been waiting to see my Lily for a long time. I had never missed her so much. We made such great plans as we always do. We like to think of the things that we will do, so as to fit as much as possible into the short time we have together.  Such beautiful plans were designed. We would have the most perfect Valentine’s day ever, because neither of us had celebrated it before. We would have lots of pink and nice things and we would play our games into the night.

Tueday’s dressing

Apologies for not posting in a while (i wonder how many blog entries start in this manner…)

This have been up and down as usual. Tuesday evening contained the highest frequency of transgender related thoughts, so it is that which i shall document now.

I hadn’t had a very good day so my mood wasn’t amazingly high. All i wanted to do was get back home to dress up as Alice. I longed for the comfort of a skirt and the warmth of a corset. The clinging niceness of tights and the heart-stopping feeling whenever i caught myself in the mirror.

I was desperate to try on the outfit i had bought with lily the weekend before. We had spent a glorious day together (the details of which i am not going to record here for the sakes of public decency ).

I shaved, showered and prepared myself. The symbolic act of cleansing myself before i become a girl is not lost on me. I rid myself of the traces of boy on me so that i may pass through the dividing hedge unnoticed.

I started with my underwear. Cute black panties, a plain black bra and some dark tights. Over the tights i put some beautiful hold-ups. I had to wear them over tights because my legs have not been hairless for a while. This is partly due to apathy and partly due to lack of opportunity to dress up. Next came my new favourite skirt. Then a white t-shirt covered by a new cardigan.

The plan was to go out later to a party, so i didn’t put any make-up on for fear of it smudging or running. I checked myself and took a breath. I opened my door and walked slowly into the foyer where the rest of my block had gathered before leaving. I went generally unnoticed. Some said that what i was wearing was not perhaps appropriate for the occasion. For some reason this really upset me. I was in the wrong mood for anything and i was already very tense. I just broken down and headed back to my room to change into more manly clothes. I sat on my bed and wept for a while.

I ended up going out in boy clothes and having a really rotten time. I had hoped that if i tried really hard to be a boy, i could perhaps find a nice girl with whom i could find cheap happiness. Naturally this didn’t happen. I got home and put on my nightie and cried myself to sleep.

/emo blog/

Tis the thoughts the make the mood

Today has been filled with thoughts and emotions. I had my first lectures after coming back to university after Christmas. I was hurled back in the deep end and told to get on with it. I will have to concentrate hard if i am to pass this year and advance to the next. Academic pressures aside, my lack of social interaction has wriggled itself back to the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t find anyone to talk to in the lectures and nobody talked to me. I feel like an outcast. I tried to sit next to a talkative group of people but as soon as i made the devastatingly brave act of making conversation, i was told that i was sitting in seats that had been reserved for their friends. Hurrah for the implicit ‘you are not our friend so why are you even here?’

*sigh*

I will see Lily this Saturday. I am very excited but nervous. We are out to London and we shall both be dressed up in our finest. The polarity of this event could not be starker.

Events and mist

Since i last posted…

• My brother left
• I saw lily
• Lily came to father’s
• We cried
• We had interesting, wild sex
• We talked and cried
• We went ice skating
• She left
• I was cold
• I went back to school
• I messed things up with Laura
• I saw old friends
• I got stranded in the cold
• I wore my corset
• I hid my clothes from father
• He told me of his girlfriend

London is covered with mist this evening. It looks wonderful. I can see out to the river and all the Victorian cobbles are illuminated by archaic street lamps. I expect a Dickensian villain to round the corner to face a tall man with a pipe accompanied by his good doctor. The night has a mystical feel to it and i feel as if i could be anyone in this masquerade of an evening. Sadly father is still against me wearing anything female so i have to be Alice in my head for a while. I apply the slightest of make up so to avoid his detection.

I have felt very down recently because i have not been able to dress at all. This ban will be lifted after Christmas when i will go up to mother’s. I feel very excited about the release of pent-up femininity i feel.

Tomorrow i shall meet up with many of my friends of old and i am not sure what to do. Should i go as my new Alice, or be who they know? The surprise my put many of them off me. I fear judgement although i know it should not affect me.

I am struggling to write my book, but inspiration will come. You will see.

x