To sleep perchance to dream

I have been having very lucid and peculiar dreams of late. A few nights ago i dreamt of motorbiking around a posh dinner party where prizes were being given out. I was awarded a horse with a silly amount of modern technology fitted to the saddle. I rode everywhere but the things kept slipping and i had to reach round and put them straight.

The night after that i was at an old great house and for some reason i had to fly a course to test my abilities in a slow single seat biplane. I could control it easily but i forgot where i was mean to be going. I ended up in an old city with gothic buildings covered in vines. There were many small rivers making their way through the city. It was a silly cross between Venice and Durham, but exaggerations of both. The sun was setting and casting a golden glow over everything. I forgot about getting to where i wanted to go and i just flew around the buildings, landing on the roofs and skimming the rivers and bridges. It was autumn.

Tonight’s dream was odd and lovely. I can only remember the last part. For whatever reason i was lying on a sofa on the stage of my old school hall except that it was at university. I was dressed up all nicely. Someone was giving a speech and i just lay there gazing into his eyes. He held up a photo for all to see. It had been taken a few days before when we had last gathered in the hall. I was a black and white photograph of me and those around me in the hall. Everyone was looking at the camera except one girl over my left shoulder who was staring at me with a concentration i have never before seen. I turned away from the photo to look for her in the seated crowd. She slowly stood up and looked directly at me with a smile. She wore her hair in a short dark brown bob. Her neck was long and her shoulders thin. She was the same height as me and it suddenly struck me that she was a man. The audience had long known and were all smiling at our meeting. Everyone else faded and it was her and i left alone.

We talked for hours. She was on my course at university. She showed me her folders full of notes. She was meticulous in her studies. She clearly was a hard worker. A strange point was that she used novelty key rings to illustrate major points with. One page had monkeys one spelling out the word ‘SEX’. On closer inspection, all the monkeys had different names for condoms on them. This seemed like a perfectly natural thing to do.

We got on very well. Instant best friends, we shared numbers and promised to meet again soon. The world spun and i was in a London street following a group of young men to an underground bar. They were all army officers and were dressed in battle gear. I am not sure what i was wearing, possible still nice girl things from the previous scene. I got talking to someone who happened to be the brother of the girl i had met. It seemed that everyone accepted totally that she was a girl. There didn’t seem to be any mention of her not being one. Although she was very pretty, she didn’t quite pass, but people saw her for what she wanted them to. He saw i had her phone in my hand. I must have forgotten to return it. We ate soup and vodka till i was spun back onto the street at which point a crowd had gathered and an old style London Bus had turned up.

She was there and she had a friend. Her friend was also a trans woman. They had never had any hormonal treatment, they were just very good at dressing up.

I was suddenly in a huge dress walking down the street with everyone following me. The bus had departed with all the army people i had become friends with. I talked and walked with her for hours before i woke up.

She was my best friend ever and i will never see her again.

I didn’t even ask for her name.

[Yes the photo is of me]

Events and mist

Since i last posted…

• My brother left
• I saw lily
• Lily came to father’s
• We cried
• We had interesting, wild sex
• We talked and cried
• We went ice skating
• She left
• I was cold
• I went back to school
• I messed things up with Laura
• I saw old friends
• I got stranded in the cold
• I wore my corset
• I hid my clothes from father
• He told me of his girlfriend

London is covered with mist this evening. It looks wonderful. I can see out to the river and all the Victorian cobbles are illuminated by archaic street lamps. I expect a Dickensian villain to round the corner to face a tall man with a pipe accompanied by his good doctor. The night has a mystical feel to it and i feel as if i could be anyone in this masquerade of an evening. Sadly father is still against me wearing anything female so i have to be Alice in my head for a while. I apply the slightest of make up so to avoid his detection.

I have felt very down recently because i have not been able to dress at all. This ban will be lifted after Christmas when i will go up to mother’s. I feel very excited about the release of pent-up femininity i feel.

Tomorrow i shall meet up with many of my friends of old and i am not sure what to do. Should i go as my new Alice, or be who they know? The surprise my put many of them off me. I fear judgement although i know it should not affect me.

I am struggling to write my book, but inspiration will come. You will see.

x