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Thursday the 14th of February. St Valentine’s day. My first.
Lily came to stay.
I had been waiting to see my Lily for a long time. I had never missed her so much. We made such great plans as we always do. We like to think of the things that we will do, so as to fit as much as possible into the short time we have together. Such beautiful plans were designed. We would have the most perfect Valentine’s day ever, because neither of us had celebrated it before. We would have lots of pink and nice things and we would play our games into the night.
This is my public diary. Very much so. I allow people to read and comment on it. It is a way for me to broadcast my thoughts and find popular opinion on what i am thinking. I like to see what people think. My private diary is quite different. It is similar, but it has a lot more of my non-crossdressing issues in it. It is more of a long rant and an outlet of emotion. I worked out that a string of my lost emotion is not what people want to read. I give you edited highlights. Now i shall give you a less edited piece. I have still taken bits out of it, but not as much as i would normally.
Warning – This post contains lots of love-torn ramblings
The phone rings. I lift my head off my knees and wipe the tears on my sleeves. The digital display says ‘Lily’.
My heart stops.
I haven’t spoken to lily in such a direct context since we last met. We have not been on any instant message service and have only been using emails. This reminds me horribly of my parents for this is the only way they have spoken to each other for the last few years.
Two seconds have passed and i still haven’t answered the phone. Is she going to be horrible? Is she going to tell me it is too stressful to go on and cease communication altogether? The possibilities of things she could have said are endless. Fine! I shall answer the phone and to hell with the consequences. – I was feeling confident; i was wearing full make up, tights, my favourite panties, new trousers and a nice jumper.
I picked up the phone and held it near my ear…
Pause. I dare not give any salutations. She gave in first and said ‘hello?’
The conversation that followed is mostly private, but it sorted many things out for me. I have been so low and it lifted me up slightly. I now know her mind and her intentions. It eased my thoughts and let me think of other things.
We have a plan. It is still early days and the outcome is uncertain, but it may work. I want it to work. She shall spend a week with me teaching me everything there is to know about being a woman. After that, i have some decisions to make. Some very important decisions. I am not feeling confident at all, but i hope i will be after Lily has helped me.
She says that she didn’t want to talk about her feelings at the moment. I can see why. I am very upset and worrying about her will not help. But i worry about her anyway. We shall have talks about her and her mood. I can just hope she will last until i can help her over Christmas when we next meet.
I have begun work on my book, ‘The secret diary of a teenage crossdresser’. It will be part fiction, part fact. I want to see how well my writing skills have developed. Previews will be on here.
Stay with me. I ain’t been posting much lately, but i mean to. I am still here reading comments and responding.
x
Today i learned some very strange things about myself. I drove to see Lily after she got back from school and we dressed up as each other. She was a boy and i was a girl. That was an amazing experience. Before, when we were in bed we were lesbians. Now, we had returned to being straight. An odd but nice sensation.
Talking of odd, Lily has all manner of strange fetishes. Many including pain. As an inquisitive intellectual, i felt drawn to investigate these for my self. They are fascinating. She likes being cut and scarre. Although i am a bit squeamish, i wanted to do this task for her, as i knew it would make her happy. I have quite a great fear of blood i have to turn away whenever surgery is shown on TV. She handed me a craft knife and told me to cut anything i wanted. After a practice cut, I decided to carve a crescent mood into the top of her leg. It was only 5cm long, but it must have hurt so much. Lily loved it. She was squirming and moaning with pleasure. This was odd for me. I was scared because i didn’t want to hurt her, but she clearly loved the pain i was giving her. She even said she was getting wet because of it. It was at this point i noticed something that really fucked with my mind.
I had been turned on by cutting into the flesh of Lily. What does that mean!?! Am i a sick pervert? Am i twisted and wrong?
So many things were going through my mind. It is possible that it were her noises had done it, but even so… It really scared me. I clearly didn’t enjoy it as much as she did, but it was still difficult to comprehend.
I squeezed lemon juice into her wound to prevent it from healing for a while and helped to bind it in a bandage. It was a very queer experience.
I shall have to sleep on it to see what my mind brings. I did enjoy it… but what does that mean? Am i free of the social constraints that say i shouldn’t enjoy it? Am i harking back to a time when our hunting instinct was good before it was shut away by Victorian shame? Who knows…
Your thoughts and comment are most welcome.
Last night, Lily and i were having a conversation about her phobia. Phobias are strange things and are useful to show the silliness of the Freudian method of analysis. Lily has an irrational fear of overhead ventilation systems.Air conditioning units inside the doors of modern shops are particularly bad.
We all have fears. I have great difficulty with the dark. This is an irrational fear, because there is nothing to be afraid of. The world is the same in both night and day. Yet at night i cannot walk out of my room without all the lights on. We are both working on resolving our respective fears. The following is not mocking Lily or phobias in general, just the way of interpreting them that i shall show.
Lily has a fear of ventilation systems. Why? Let us see what they do. They blow air out, sometimes through fans. They look like big, dark, round holes in the ceiling. Let us take the appearance first. Freud is all about symbols, so i would say that the hole-like appearance symbolises the opening of the vagina. From this we can assume that Lily fears the vagina. Hers? possibly. It could also be her mother’s. The effect of the air being blown out could symbolise birth, menstruation, or sex. She may be afraid of her bodily functions and the shock of growing up. The pressures of sex and birth,- the latter coming from her mother. The Electra complex, in its most basic form, suggests that a girl needs to form a strong relationship with her father in order to resolve the difficulty of not having a penis.
This is all a laughable situation, but believable from the psychodynamic approach. In order to resolve this complex, she needs to associate with her father and in doing so, develop her super ego.
Naturally this is all bollocks. It is likely she had a bad experience when she was young and the air-conditioning became associated with the experience.
More soon
x
The experiment begins today. I shall live as a female for an entire week. As unimpressive as this sounds, i feel i could be a real challenge for me. Also a great joy. This is the last week before i depart for university and i don’t know how long it will be before i can dress again. This is my last change and i wish to get the most out of it.
There is a transgender society at uni, but i am worried about the demography of those that will attend and the possible stigma associated with attending myself. All will be revealed. This week i shall take more photos. I have little or nothing to be doing so i shall attempt to pose for your viewing pleasure. Since i posted the first photo, i have had a 100% increase in views to my blog. I am flattered and can only hope that i shall see a similar increase with each photo added.
Yesterday, (22nd september) I drove my brother to his university in Wales. The road was long and dull. It gave me alot of time to think about my own issues and although i came to many a conclusion, i can remember very few of them. For this reason i shall only write them here when i can remember most of them.
Lily sent me a lovely letter. It was a classic love letter. I opened the suitably bulky envelope and emptied the contents onto my bed. There were sequins, petals of a most beautiful flower, stones and other shiny miscellanea. The letter was inscribed with red pen on pink paper that was scented with her perfume. That was enough to make me smile. I read it through and sat back and cried for a while. She loves me so much. To have such a consummate and reciprocated love is a rare and beautiful thing. It seems that the closer i come to leaving for uni, the more in love i fall. Balls….
more later
x
