A précis

A brief rethink of my life is in order. I need a weekend in a place i don’t know with a tent and a bike. I need to be away from everything and everyone so that i may think and reflect. Lots of things are up in the air at the moment. Where they will land when they fall remains to be seen.

It seems most people are moving on and living broader, happier lives. I find myself in a narrow corridor. I may need ot run around and make some noise. I need to feel that i am heard, wanted and needed.

Once again my gender identiy is in question. I feel that i am closer to a conclusion but i am not sure if the conclusion will make me happier. If i eventually decide one way or the other, i will have to majorly adjust my life accordingly. Nothing will stay the same when i choose the path i will walk down for the rest of my life. I am living a two parallel half lives. If i chose to live one fully i have to cut off the other. I just have to decide which will hurt the least to sever.

Things are not going well.

Meep

Days of sleep

Last night we made a hovercraft! But that is another story.

The exams are very soon. The revision is going badly. The concentration is lacking and i sleep at peculiar times. These are not related, but occurring at the same time, they are infuriating.

Here is a brief update of things.

• Lily and i are going strong.
• Exams are being difficult and i worry.
• I plan to be the trans representative for my university.
• I must develop a normal sleeping routine by tomorrow.
• I plan to buy a vespa ^_^
• I have met some lovely people online who have made things easier to cope with.
• I have met some lovely people offline who have made things nicer.
• I am off to the USA with my father. I must talk to him about my feelings.
• The summer will be difficult. More on that later.

‘Cause I’m half sick of shadows,
I want to see the sky.
Everyone else can watch the sun goes down,
So why can’t I?

Unfinished thoughts

Where to begin?
I wore my first item of girl’s clothing at age 5. It was an act of innocent curiosity: I wanted to know what it was like. Upon putting my trousers back on, I was caught by my father who was a little concerned. He found me in my friend’s room struggling with my trousers around my knees. I remember feeling guilty and ashamed (complex emotions for a five year old).
I cannot recall specific events after that, but I know that I didn’t stop. As young as 10 I was wondering into my mother’s wardrobe and trying things on. I was pleased because I was small enough to fit in to most of her clothes at the time.
I was never caught. I was so very careful because memory the guilt and humiliation was too great. Perhaps it is this climate that always accompanied my adventures into the wardrobe that makes things so difficult now.
It was an ad trader newspaper that gave me a name. I was looking through at the adverts for things and services for sale. At the back, near the personal adverts was a big bow with two photos in it. I forget the headline or any of the text. I was transfixed on the images. The first showed a man in a shirt and tie looking glumly down at his feet. The second showed a pretty lady in a gorgeous dress and shoes. I suppose this was the first time I realised that I was not entirely alone, and that it was possible to really be a girl. The advert was for a transformation agency that turned ugly men into beautiful women. I have never thought that it was really possible to be a girl. I had wanted to be one, but the apparent impossibility of the task stopped most of my fantasies. My aim was to one day spend a week dressed entirely as a woman. I planned out how I would get my clothes and how I would tell everyone I was going on holiday. The secrecy of the act was central to the feelings associated with it.
Every time I dressed, my heart raced, the adrenaline was going and I felt wonderful. It is difficult now to separate the causes of these sensations. I was very scared of being caught, but I loved being a girl for 10 minutes each day.
It almost became an addiction. When I was 13-14 I always asked mother exactly how long she would be out for. I became a master of time keeping and espionage. I placed things on the gate so I would hear if it was being opened. I spent a minute looking at the arrangement of the clothes I would use so that I could put them back perfectly and avoid detection. I did this nearly everyday when mother would go out to collect my brother from the various things that he did. I would have just less than 15 minutes. She would get in the car; I would slowly walk to her room. I would hear her leave the drive-way and disappear down the road. At this point I would be in her draws looking for nice things to wear.
I always wanted to try on makeup but I knew nothing about it. I didn’t know what went where or how much to use. The greatest fear I had was finding the lipstick not coming off. Mother would suspect and the consequences of that were too horrible to think about. With hindsight, I can see that the consequences would have been quite beneficial, but my perception of such things was warped to say the least.

More to come

Start of the holidays

University is more of a holiday than anything else. You are surrounded by your friends, you do the things that you want to do, and you are away from your parents. 

The Easter break was not a holiday for me. I did not enjoy myself. I sat in my room slowly rotting while waiting for the day to end. It was a most unpleasant experience and i am not looking forward to the summer holidays.

My thoughts about being Alice have been very mixed. I haven’t dressed up for a long while even when i have had many opportunities to do so. I have been trying to think of a explanation but nothing comes to mind. Perhaps i am coming to accept the fact that i will never be a convincing girl so i may as well try and be an ok boy. Since i have been open about having gender dysphoria, i have been distanced from ‘normal’ people. This could be because they find it difficult to talk to someone who they know nothing about and could be frightened of. Or, it could be because i am avoiding doing thing that i think of as boyish, and as such people don’t want to be seen with me because i am not being a boy. I am fairly sure that it is a combination of both of these points, but there is one way in which it can be solved.

If i give up trying to be a girl until i am stable and settled, could i be happier? Would having friends counter the horrible feeling of living a lie?

I feel experimentation is needed. It is too late to win favor in my classes. They already know me as the quiet and strange one. I have a plan.

I cut my hair, buy a wig, and return to being Alice in my own time. I could share her with some very close friends, but otherwise she would remain hidden. I could hide it from everyone who didn’t need to know. Even a girl friend (if i ever get one) wouldn’t need to know. If i get a boy friend, i would probably tell him, but i don’t seem to be very popular in the gay community. I mean people like me, but they wouldn’t consider going out with me, or even kissing me.

I feel very young again. I feel like i have never been kissed or been with anyone. I feel like starting again would be a real step backwards and i am afraid of it.

Coming out was very difficult. Going through it again would be traumatic.

It is likely that i will get very drunk tonight and end up being miserable. Sad times for all.

xx

Back down the hole

*WARNING – this post may contain too many Alice in Wonderland references*



---

My depression is coming back. And it is coming back like a steam-train. Unstoppable, unrelenting, and something that i recognise.It makes me feel sick. I am not strong enough to cope with everyday pressures that life throws at me. So many people are so happy, they just don’t see it. I wish i could be like that. I wish i could enjoy things. But everything i do, i can never see the happy side of it. I am forever stuck in the negative. Being bi-polar wouldn’t be so bad because i would get the highs as well. Right now i just get one long incredible low.

I may need to go to the doctor soon and ask for help. My work is suffering heavily. I have missed an entire essay. Two essays have been given in late, and i have failed two moduals. I have been unable to tell anyone in the department about my issues because i see them as somehow irrelevant. If i have a physical problem, it would be ok. If i broke my leg i would feel justified to miss an essay. It is the problem that i am perfectly able that is bothering me. I know that if i had the time and the energy, i would be able to do the essays to a very high standard.

Sigh

I will see how things go over the easter holidays. Perhaps things will brighten up..

I have decided to put being a girl on hold. At least until i am happy. Things are just too difficult at the moment without the added bonus of being transgender (although that is contributing heavily to the depression).

Help is greatly appreciated.

 Oh and my love life is suffering blows from every angle.

Tueday’s dressing

Apologies for not posting in a while (i wonder how many blog entries start in this manner…)

This have been up and down as usual. Tuesday evening contained the highest frequency of transgender related thoughts, so it is that which i shall document now.

I hadn’t had a very good day so my mood wasn’t amazingly high. All i wanted to do was get back home to dress up as Alice. I longed for the comfort of a skirt and the warmth of a corset. The clinging niceness of tights and the heart-stopping feeling whenever i caught myself in the mirror.

I was desperate to try on the outfit i had bought with lily the weekend before. We had spent a glorious day together (the details of which i am not going to record here for the sakes of public decency ).

I shaved, showered and prepared myself. The symbolic act of cleansing myself before i become a girl is not lost on me. I rid myself of the traces of boy on me so that i may pass through the dividing hedge unnoticed.

I started with my underwear. Cute black panties, a plain black bra and some dark tights. Over the tights i put some beautiful hold-ups. I had to wear them over tights because my legs have not been hairless for a while. This is partly due to apathy and partly due to lack of opportunity to dress up. Next came my new favourite skirt. Then a white t-shirt covered by a new cardigan.

The plan was to go out later to a party, so i didn’t put any make-up on for fear of it smudging or running. I checked myself and took a breath. I opened my door and walked slowly into the foyer where the rest of my block had gathered before leaving. I went generally unnoticed. Some said that what i was wearing was not perhaps appropriate for the occasion. For some reason this really upset me. I was in the wrong mood for anything and i was already very tense. I just broken down and headed back to my room to change into more manly clothes. I sat on my bed and wept for a while.

I ended up going out in boy clothes and having a really rotten time. I had hoped that if i tried really hard to be a boy, i could perhaps find a nice girl with whom i could find cheap happiness. Naturally this didn’t happen. I got home and put on my nightie and cried myself to sleep.

/emo blog/

A poem

These are rare from me, so treasure it.

The hooves of the beasts make the floor,

Stiletto craters pepper the wooden boards.

To think of all those feet, so sore,

As they come to dress, Like ladies and Lords.

 

Two sides of clothes, each on a wall, proud,

Forbidden to be worn by the yearning half.

The sounds of their inner dreams scream loud:

‘Why can’t i wear a female scarf”?

 

I realise that it is corny and silly, but i like it. It was written all in one go. No planning, no going back and correcting. That could be why it sucks.

I am having some major thoughts to write here. I have been having a bit of emotional turmoil. Things are not going well in my mind. I shall try and record my thoughts as soon as they start to make sense.

x

A good day

I have had a good day for the first time in many months. I define a good day as being one in which i have relativity few negative feelings. I wouldn’t say it was a happy day, but that is not too far off.

I woke up to my alarm at 9, had a shower and had breakfast. I haven’t eaten breakfast for over a month. It was rather a treat. I had my various medicines and left for university on my bike. It was a cool clear morning, winter is here.

Cycling across the park is one of the more beautiful moments in my day. There are long paths bordered with trees and wide open greens which fill with mist. The towers of the university creep into view over the trees and seem to become part of the natural scenery. I gave my essay in on time and went to sit in the medical school coffee shop. There i met a girl who i know from a friend. She introduced me to a girl who was on my course but i had never spoken to before. This is useful. I have a new contact inside my course.

I sat and sipped hot chocolate whilst writing Lily a letter. The words are not coming out properly yet. (They will). I will just have to keep on writing until something good comes.

I went to my lecture which was very interesting. We are studying psychotic disorders. Always a fun topic. Then i skipped to the library to do some reading and admin.

I needed to get a dress for the Christmas Ball on Friday, so i went into the city centre and scouted the shops. I managed to buy far too much, but that is the way of things. I cycled home and put on my Christmas lights. My room is well decorated.

I am also happy because of what i resolved yesterday (see previous post). I am also pleased with how this holiday is shaping up to be. Lily is making life so much better at the moment. I am dominating her in many fun ways. She is totally at my whim. It is very empowering to feel in such control of a person. I won’t go in to details of our actives here, but when we meet over Christmas things are set to be very exciting. Not just in a sexual way though. We plan to go out and see musicals, go ice skating in Kew Gardens.  It is set to be awesome.

The solitary life of a teenage crossdresser

What follows is full of sadness and may read like an emo child’s blog. For this i am sorry, but i need to get it off my chest. Look forward to more exciting entries later, but have a quick insight first.

Last night i realised some of my emotions and feelings. I have been avoiding them for fear of becoming depressed in a strange world. I wanted everyone to think i was bright and happy, but the façade is cracking.

I have been trying to slowly come out as Alice but it is proving very difficult. I don’t know if it is me who is making it hard or them. I could be putting up a barrier between me and them. They could be doing the same. Either way, things are not going well. I have a solution, but it is painful.

I could just come out entirely and go for it as Alice. This may shock some people and scare them off. I am so afraid of being left alone in this place. If i came out and was abandoned by those i know, i would lose all sense of what i should do. I would be lost and confused, but more importantly, alone.

Back home i was never alone. I thought i was. I did the standard teenage thing of thinking that i was on my own, but looking back i can see that i was well loved by many. I should have made more of it, but i messed up. My depression last year warped my entire perspective of the world. I am sorry to those who i didn’t appriciate properly. I won’t name them all here for fear that i will forget someone. But know that i am sorry.

Last night i dreamt that i passed perfectly as a girl. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I think that only crossdressers and those that love them will understand the feeling i am trying to describe. I woke up smiling which is a very strange occurrence. I wasn’t expecting a nice dream. The previous day had not been a good one. I had felt so solitary.

One of my friends told me that he had spoken to one of the girls on my course. Apparently i was known as the crazy boy that was always alone. There are approximately 200 people in my lectures and i am always alone in them. ‘Why don’t you talk to somebody?’

I am too scared to start a conversation. Everyone has already developed into groups and i wouldn’t want to invade one. I suppose i am waiting for one to take pity on me. It is a selfish position to take but i can’t see any other way. I am too scared of going to any other groups. The girls would all think i am being weird and the guys wouldn’t want me because i ain’t especially ‘cool’.

Things are difficult and i do not think they will improve any time soon.

I have been eating one meal a day and it has being going well but i think i shall have to take it to less than that. For the next few days i am going to try and not eat anything at all. Just drinking water. I need to do it. Only being womanly will make me happy.

I want to write about Lily, but i don’t want to include those thoughts among this unhappy post. Perhaps another time.

x

Today

I am wearing my long skirt and i am plucking my eyebrows. I have been putting it off for too long. But now i need a face shot for my front page. Sadly my eyebrows are huge and not girly at all, so i have decided to sort them out.

I shall post a before and after shot, but this may take all evening.

Expect another post before midnight.