Miss Autumn

I have been thinking a lot. ‘Too much’ some would say.

I have to talk to some close friends about it first but i hope to write up my thoughts in full when they have matured into words that will make sense on paper. Suffice to say that it could be nearly over. The forrest is still dense but i can see sunlight through the thick leaves.

I have a fondness for each season. I will always love the one i am in the best, whatever it happens to be. Autumn is pretty and i get to wear coats and be warm. It is also dark and mysterious. It fits me well (or do i fit to it?)

University work is getting much harder. This first assignment will go badly. Hopefully it will spur me on to do better in the next.

I haven’t spoken to my trans friends recently. I hope they do not think that i am abandoning them. I just need to be in a neutral place to sort this out.

x

Get Involved!

I once played a game called get involved. There was a ball and a goal but the only way you could score was to get involved and contribute in someway. A lovely concept till you realize that it was only to be played at the most inappropriate times.

I represent the trans community of my university. I am trying to raise the profile of trans issues around campus but i am finding it difficult. I am currently the only out trans student. Thankfully i have a huge support base from the gay community. That got me thinking.

Why are trans issues tied with gay and lesbian ones? Sexuality is not explicitly associated with gender identity. I think it is very kind of the LGB to take the Ts in and give them support until they can bloom independently.

I love being part of an active community and representing my minority. I can only hope that i do it well and faithfully bring the concerns of the trans people across.

I haven’t dressed casually for a long time now. It scares me. I wish i could do it more and i am not sure what stops me. My house mates are mostly fine with it. There is an internal conflict that i have to resolve somehow.

x,

Autumn

Autumn is my favorite season. There is just so much more symbolism to enjoy and contemplate as you walk from place to place. Crunching leaves of the deepest gold and wearing a scarf for the first time in many months.

I like it because it is cold yet still feels like summer. I know it will get colder but right now, i can feel the sun on my face.

I am no closer to coming to a conclusion about myself. I still wait upon an appointment from London. Socially i am still failing. Should i just give up and accept that this is the way i am? I could wait and see if being middle aged suits me best. So far adolescence has been less than kind.

I wish i could write more. I have applied to my local newspaper so that i may have more structured writing to do creatively. Essays do not count. I enjoy linguistics: it is mind reading on a basic level. What a person thinks will have an effect on their choice of words be it conscious or unconscious. If you pay close enough attention to the words and how they are spoken in context, you can understand a great deal about the person and their mental processes.

By reading back what i have written, i hope to gaze into my own mind and search the cavernous halls within. The feedback also gives me multiple angles on things that may have escaped my attention.

For example, the word ‘escaped’ in the line above can be interpreted in many different ways. I may feel like physically or mentally leaving. I may feel like it is my attention that has escaped. Perhaps i crave more reinforcement of my believes so i implore you by having the words ‘escaped’ and ‘feedback’ in the same line so that you may pity me more.

I am sure you understand where i am going with this.

If i write more, i will understand more. The more that i understand, the happier i will feel about living as the person i choose.

Tell me if i am making a mistake.

A series of tubes

I have the internet once more.

After several calls for the kettle to be put one, i can hear the sweet chimes of mugs being carelessly placed on the kitchen top. Soon all will be well. I can curl up in my bed with my laptop, a blanket and a warm mug. From this fortress i hide from the world. Here it doesn’t matter who i am or what i will be. All is well beneath the sheets and behind the steam rising from the mug.

But when the mug is empty, reality must be confronted. I am in need of a shave, some breakfast and some severe psychotherapy. I am wasting what is supposed to be the best few years of my life debating the fundamentals of my identity. I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent. I feel like a husk: the broken shell of a veteran of life and i have barely left the start. Is this a common feeling? Are we all this disenchanted? If we are, why hold up the veneer of a happy life? If not, what am i missing and why won’t anyone assist?

And i am tired of rhetoric.

I feel genderless in the worst way. I have no desire to be either. My apathy will be the end of me. I feel no pull from either male or female sides of myself. I desperately wish i could just fit the binary. Is that cowardly of me? Should i push and strive to be an individual outside of what society accepts? What if i am too scared? As bad as it sounds i would like a comfortable life. I want to be accepted as who i am but if i can’t find acceptance i am not strong enough to push for it. I could easily live as a woman or a man. I admire those who sit between and fend off those who criticise and mock.

I hate myself for not being strong enough to break out of the dichotomy. Perhaps it will happen in time. I crave adventure in nearly all other aspects of my life. If adrenaline is not stampeding through my veins i feel like i am not really living. Yet i cannot stand up for myself and take control when it comes to my gender.

I am starting a fresh term at university. Perhaps this could be a turning point. Perhaps i have used the word ‘perhaps’ too often in this entry. Unknowns and possibilities are all that i have.

Perhaps i need another dose of hot drink and blankets…

x

Days of sleep

Last night we made a hovercraft! But that is another story.

The exams are very soon. The revision is going badly. The concentration is lacking and i sleep at peculiar times. These are not related, but occurring at the same time, they are infuriating.

Here is a brief update of things.

• Lily and i are going strong.
• Exams are being difficult and i worry.
• I plan to be the trans representative for my university.
• I must develop a normal sleeping routine by tomorrow.
• I plan to buy a vespa ^_^
• I have met some lovely people online who have made things easier to cope with.
• I have met some lovely people offline who have made things nicer.
• I am off to the USA with my father. I must talk to him about my feelings.
• The summer will be difficult. More on that later.

‘Cause I’m half sick of shadows,
I want to see the sky.
Everyone else can watch the sun goes down,
So why can’t I?

Start of the holidays

University is more of a holiday than anything else. You are surrounded by your friends, you do the things that you want to do, and you are away from your parents. 

The Easter break was not a holiday for me. I did not enjoy myself. I sat in my room slowly rotting while waiting for the day to end. It was a most unpleasant experience and i am not looking forward to the summer holidays.

My thoughts about being Alice have been very mixed. I haven’t dressed up for a long while even when i have had many opportunities to do so. I have been trying to think of a explanation but nothing comes to mind. Perhaps i am coming to accept the fact that i will never be a convincing girl so i may as well try and be an ok boy. Since i have been open about having gender dysphoria, i have been distanced from ‘normal’ people. This could be because they find it difficult to talk to someone who they know nothing about and could be frightened of. Or, it could be because i am avoiding doing thing that i think of as boyish, and as such people don’t want to be seen with me because i am not being a boy. I am fairly sure that it is a combination of both of these points, but there is one way in which it can be solved.

If i give up trying to be a girl until i am stable and settled, could i be happier? Would having friends counter the horrible feeling of living a lie?

I feel experimentation is needed. It is too late to win favor in my classes. They already know me as the quiet and strange one. I have a plan.

I cut my hair, buy a wig, and return to being Alice in my own time. I could share her with some very close friends, but otherwise she would remain hidden. I could hide it from everyone who didn’t need to know. Even a girl friend (if i ever get one) wouldn’t need to know. If i get a boy friend, i would probably tell him, but i don’t seem to be very popular in the gay community. I mean people like me, but they wouldn’t consider going out with me, or even kissing me.

I feel very young again. I feel like i have never been kissed or been with anyone. I feel like starting again would be a real step backwards and i am afraid of it.

Coming out was very difficult. Going through it again would be traumatic.

It is likely that i will get very drunk tonight and end up being miserable. Sad times for all.

xx

Everyone needs to see this

I saw it some time ago but lost it. This is a new version and it makes me cry every time.

I have some photos and stories to upload later so please come back