A new direction

I realise that the last few posts haven’t really been intellectually stimulating. In fairness, none of my posts are ever really much good. The past few weeks have just produced teenage whining and emotion without explanation. Although these posts are a real insight into my life, they do not help the reader understand my thoughts.

I have had a revelation of sorts. An epiphany if you will. I was in my standard low mood and i was online chatting to some people of little consequence. Then this girl came on and we started chatting as usual. I had seen her online before but hadn’t had a serious conversation or done anything but exchanged pleasantries. After about 5 minutes it became apparent that we were very similar. We are both in our first year of university, both studying psychology and both are boys but wear women’s clothes. There are only three main differences between us.

1. She is beautiful beyond anything i am capable of.
2. She is in Florida.
3. She is happy.

When this was realised, i made it my task to become like her. I find it very difficult to understand how anyone could be in our position and live a happy life. Every day i feel fear and pain because of what i am. Yet she seemed blissful. Why? Why can’t i be the same? How does she do it?

We got talking and my quest to discover happiness took control of me. Then the secret was out.

I have been trying to become a girl. To be everything that society expects of a girl. To rid myself of most of my male traits and totally assume those of a female. This is a good course of action, but it is not for me. I have realised this now. I can never completely be a woman. No matter how much surgery i have, no matter how much make-up i put on, i will always be a man somewhere. I was reading the blog of a transsexual who i deeply admire. She is currently transitioning and she is finding it difficult. She devotes most of her efforts into becoming a woman and looking like one. However she is still ‘read’ by people. They can tell she was born a man.

This shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter what she was wearing and whether she is a girl or not. It is clear she wants to be a girl so people should treat her as one. I have now left the fantasy world and i have come to the realisation that such a beautiful place will never exist in my lifetime. People will never accept those who do not conform to the norms and those who deviate. Their bravery is unmatched by anyone.

I now know that i could not give the transition all my effort only to be called ’sir’ when out in public. It would destroy me. I am not strong enough to be able to take that. Maybe someday i will be and i will transition then.

So here is the plan. Do i return to what i was; hiding in the closet denying what i am?
No. I can not return to that. The pain would destroy me.

The new plan is to be a symbol of perfection. To be androgynous. To take the best aspects of male and combine them with female. Beauty, strength, intelligence, empathy, socially skilled, motherhood, fatherhood and wisdom. I will be both genders and an ambassador for gender acceptance. I will learn about gender and sex roles so that i can argue my point and educate people. I will fight for acceptance and equality. Naturally this is going to take many years and much hardship but i am equal to the task.

I shall keep my female name and i shall continue much in the same way, but i will wear whatever clothes i feel like wearing. Skirt or trousers, i shall wear whatever i want and encourage others to do the same.

Most androgyny is slanted in a female direction. Girls have less far to go to look male than boys have to go to look female. For this reason i shall still wear more female clothes (that is also because i prefer them).

Here ends the dodging round the subject and avoiding confrontation. The cry shall be..

‘This is me.

This is how i want to live.

Fuck you!’

 

I love you guys.

P.S. i may need a new name for the blog, any ideas?

An appointment with a gay man.

Yesterday, i went to the gay support centre in my city. I was a bit nervous and awoke late. I missed my lectures and rode my bike to the centre of town. The route i took was new to me. It was a beautiful old path, made when the university was still young, for the students to walk to the city centre. Old lamp posts and leaves falling from the tall oaks. The scene was perfect. The road ended in the old town and i began to fall in love with the city. This was a side of it that i hadn’t seen.

I parked my bike and walked to the centre. I was greeted by a classically gay man. Black turtle neck jumper, cute jeans and Italian shoes. The hight of fashion and cool. He took me through the building to some sofas on the top floor where upon he curled up in a corner and we chatted. We talked about what the centre could do to support me during my transition and to help me gain transgendered friends (something which i have been craving for a very long time). I got given various booklets and invited to go to a support group for young gay men. It wasn’t ideal, but it was all they could offer. It was nice to talk to someone who didn’t judge me. He was totally cool with it. I have never met a male who was comfortable chatting in detail about transgender issues.

I cycled home and did very little. I missed dinner as part of my feminising body regime. Some folks wanted to go to another gig in another hall so i went along. I was feeling very down. I am not sure why. I was just really sad and didn’t want to talk to anyone. Jim’s friend came along. She is wonderful, short, clever and totally of no sexual interest to me. Which makes her  perfect for a person in my situation. With Lily not around, i have had nobody to talk to about stuff. Hopefully she will be a decent stand-in. She could be a lesbian which is even more of a benefit. Jim fancies her so i think i will see her enough to try and put the motion forward. She has seen me in a corset and skirt. That is one conversation out of the way. I shall be sure to update you as things progress. If at all.

I miss Lily. Letters are nice. They are the unbreakable ribbon that holds us together. I don’t really like talking about Lily here. It just makes me yearn more. Just know that i still think of her often and i miss having someone who understands me.

I can’t wait to go on hormones…