A series of tubes

I have the internet once more.

After several calls for the kettle to be put one, i can hear the sweet chimes of mugs being carelessly placed on the kitchen top. Soon all will be well. I can curl up in my bed with my laptop, a blanket and a warm mug. From this fortress i hide from the world. Here it doesn’t matter who i am or what i will be. All is well beneath the sheets and behind the steam rising from the mug.

But when the mug is empty, reality must be confronted. I am in need of a shave, some breakfast and some severe psychotherapy. I am wasting what is supposed to be the best few years of my life debating the fundamentals of my identity. I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent. I feel like a husk: the broken shell of a veteran of life and i have barely left the start. Is this a common feeling? Are we all this disenchanted? If we are, why hold up the veneer of a happy life? If not, what am i missing and why won’t anyone assist?

And i am tired of rhetoric.

I feel genderless in the worst way. I have no desire to be either. My apathy will be the end of me. I feel no pull from either male or female sides of myself. I desperately wish i could just fit the binary. Is that cowardly of me? Should i push and strive to be an individual outside of what society accepts? What if i am too scared? As bad as it sounds i would like a comfortable life. I want to be accepted as who i am but if i can’t find acceptance i am not strong enough to push for it. I could easily live as a woman or a man. I admire those who sit between and fend off those who criticise and mock.

I hate myself for not being strong enough to break out of the dichotomy. Perhaps it will happen in time. I crave adventure in nearly all other aspects of my life. If adrenaline is not stampeding through my veins i feel like i am not really living. Yet i cannot stand up for myself and take control when it comes to my gender.

I am starting a fresh term at university. Perhaps this could be a turning point. Perhaps i have used the word ‘perhaps’ too often in this entry. Unknowns and possibilities are all that i have.

Perhaps i need another dose of hot drink and blankets…

x

A new direction

I realise that the last few posts haven’t really been intellectually stimulating. In fairness, none of my posts are ever really much good. The past few weeks have just produced teenage whining and emotion without explanation. Although these posts are a real insight into my life, they do not help the reader understand my thoughts.

I have had a revelation of sorts. An epiphany if you will. I was in my standard low mood and i was online chatting to some people of little consequence. Then this girl came on and we started chatting as usual. I had seen her online before but hadn’t had a serious conversation or done anything but exchanged pleasantries. After about 5 minutes it became apparent that we were very similar. We are both in our first year of university, both studying psychology and both are boys but wear women’s clothes. There are only three main differences between us.

1. She is beautiful beyond anything i am capable of.
2. She is in Florida.
3. She is happy.

When this was realised, i made it my task to become like her. I find it very difficult to understand how anyone could be in our position and live a happy life. Every day i feel fear and pain because of what i am. Yet she seemed blissful. Why? Why can’t i be the same? How does she do it?

We got talking and my quest to discover happiness took control of me. Then the secret was out.

I have been trying to become a girl. To be everything that society expects of a girl. To rid myself of most of my male traits and totally assume those of a female. This is a good course of action, but it is not for me. I have realised this now. I can never completely be a woman. No matter how much surgery i have, no matter how much make-up i put on, i will always be a man somewhere. I was reading the blog of a transsexual who i deeply admire. She is currently transitioning and she is finding it difficult. She devotes most of her efforts into becoming a woman and looking like one. However she is still ‘read’ by people. They can tell she was born a man.

This shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter what she was wearing and whether she is a girl or not. It is clear she wants to be a girl so people should treat her as one. I have now left the fantasy world and i have come to the realisation that such a beautiful place will never exist in my lifetime. People will never accept those who do not conform to the norms and those who deviate. Their bravery is unmatched by anyone.

I now know that i could not give the transition all my effort only to be called ’sir’ when out in public. It would destroy me. I am not strong enough to be able to take that. Maybe someday i will be and i will transition then.

So here is the plan. Do i return to what i was; hiding in the closet denying what i am?
No. I can not return to that. The pain would destroy me.

The new plan is to be a symbol of perfection. To be androgynous. To take the best aspects of male and combine them with female. Beauty, strength, intelligence, empathy, socially skilled, motherhood, fatherhood and wisdom. I will be both genders and an ambassador for gender acceptance. I will learn about gender and sex roles so that i can argue my point and educate people. I will fight for acceptance and equality. Naturally this is going to take many years and much hardship but i am equal to the task.

I shall keep my female name and i shall continue much in the same way, but i will wear whatever clothes i feel like wearing. Skirt or trousers, i shall wear whatever i want and encourage others to do the same.

Most androgyny is slanted in a female direction. Girls have less far to go to look male than boys have to go to look female. For this reason i shall still wear more female clothes (that is also because i prefer them).

Here ends the dodging round the subject and avoiding confrontation. The cry shall be..

‘This is me.

This is how i want to live.

Fuck you!’

 

I love you guys.

P.S. i may need a new name for the blog, any ideas?