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I have been thinking a lot. ‘Too much’ some would say.
I have to talk to some close friends about it first but i hope to write up my thoughts in full when they have matured into words that will make sense on paper. Suffice to say that it could be nearly over. The forrest is still dense but i can see sunlight through the thick leaves.
I have a fondness for each season. I will always love the one i am in the best, whatever it happens to be. Autumn is pretty and i get to wear coats and be warm. It is also dark and mysterious. It fits me well (or do i fit to it?)
University work is getting much harder. This first assignment will go badly. Hopefully it will spur me on to do better in the next.
I haven’t spoken to my trans friends recently. I hope they do not think that i am abandoning them. I just need to be in a neutral place to sort this out.
x
Is the claim the Stonewall is ‘transphobic’ justified?
Stonewall working for equality and justice for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals.
Many associations campaigning for gay rights have adopted the Trans cause to form the LGBT. Stonewall has decided to remain LGB as far as I can tell. This in itself is not a problem: there are many trans-only support groups to run to. Having a purely homosexual association is a good thing.
The trans community is in uproar after hearing that Stonewall have shortlisted Julie Bindel for an award at their upcoming ceremony; they are planning a protest outside the V&A where the ceremony is to be held. Many transpeople are blindly following what they are being told by Queer News and other such sources. As a transperson myself, I felt like looking slightly closer before I committed myself to attending a protest.
Julie Bindel is a feminist writer and journalist and a good one at that. She writes and speaks with articulation, precision and clarity about issues that most people avoid going near altogether. I admire her courage in speaking her mind and defending herself against those who perhaps only read what they wanted to see in her articles.
Julie Bindel certainly has an alternative view of trans people when compared to the majority of the LGBT community, but should an alternative view automatically be branded ‘transphobic’ because it doesn’t sit well with our current understanding? Whatever we believe, we should always consider alternatives and not dismiss them without seriously considering their implications. Julie Bindel has raised some very interesting and important points regarding trans people that should be discussed.
I am saddened to see my trans brothers and sisters jump to conclusions about a journalist because they read some quotations out of context on Facebook.
I will try and summarize her point of view, but be warned that this is my interpretation. I may be wrong on some conclusions and biased on others.
Bindel has written about gender neutral toilets (a topic that is close to the heart of any trans person). She feels that they aren’t very fair to women. Normally there are not enough toilets for females and adding gender neutral ones provides even less for women.
…’the British Film Institute on London’s South Bank, has created two gender-neutral toilets: one converted from a staff toilet and one from an existing women’s toilet – the busiest one, in fact, in the bar area. Which somehow doesn’t seem very fair.’
Perhaps this isn’t a fair way of doing things. Taking it out of the existing male toilet could have been a more responsible way of dealing with the situation based on the reasoning that the female toilets often have longer queues anyway.
‘But why would transgender folk need a “gender-neutral” loo at a gay film festival, when they would ordinarily use the one prescribed to their chosen gender?’
This is a fair point but not every trans person identifies solely with one gender. Many find the binary of female/male to be an insult when they consider themselves to be neither. Choosing a gender every time they have to use a toilet can be stressful. Often when a trans person uses a toilet ‘prescribed to their chosen gender’ they get ridiculed or insulted. If there was more tolerance, then using the toilet that they best identify with would be ideal but until then, the only way some of us can feel safe going to the toilet is to be in a gender neutral one.
On a different note, she brings her own experiences into an article.
‘Feminists want to rid the world of gender rules and regulations, so how is it possible to support a theory which has at its centre the notion that there is something essential and biological about the way boys and girls behave? As someone who spurned dolls and make-up as a child, I find it deeply troubling that, had I gone to one of the specialist psychiatrists while growing up and explained how I did not feel like a “real girl” (which I did not, because I wanted to be a lesbian), I could be writing this as a trans man.’
Playing with dolls and make-up is generally considered to be conforming to the classic female gender role that society has provided us with. Julie did not conform to the role expected of her and she says that if she had gone to a psychiatrist they may have considered her to be gender confused or transsexual. One would hope this would not happen. We should expect a specialist to be aware of the difference.
Not conforming to a gender role is different from having transsexual feelings. Often homosexuals (male and female) defy their assigned roles. They do not feel like they wish to be in the body of the opposite sex.
There is a distinction to be made between being homosexual and being transsexual. Because there may be common ’symptoms’ does not mean that they are the same. Transsexual people often feel that there is no way that they can live in the body they were born in -it is uncomfortable and depressing to pretend to be something that you psychologically are not. While homosexuals often have their own anguish and troubles throughout their development, it is not of the same calibre or nature as one who feels at odds not only with their environment, but with their own body.
Many trans people are not homosexual. They live perfectly ‘normal’ straight lives as women or men.
Julie Bindel has reflected upon an earlier article she wrote.
‘In hindsight, the sarcasm I used in my column was misplaced and insensitive (“Imagine a world inhabited just by transsexuals,” I wrote, complaining about the way many transsexuals parody traditional masculine and feminine styles of dress. “It would look like the set of Grease.”).’
Few journalist would have the humility to admit their mistakes let alone write about them. Hats off to Julie. She is correct. The fact the people reacted so much to force her to write a reply highlights the importance of the issue. The topic should not be so sacred that we cannot have a calm discussion about it without being hailed as someone who hates.
She also took part in a debate that I caught on Radio 4 not too long ago. She was given an impossible position to hold. She was put up against an audience and panel that she knew was dead against her. Yet she stood up and said what she thought in a calm and well structured debate. The contents of the debate are irrelevant to this point; what I admire is her determination.
‘It was one of the most challenging and stimulating debates I have taken part in. Not because the panel or the audience conceded much to my arguments, but because I was given a platform for my opinions, which are so often censored by those accusing me of bigotry and ignorance.’
So far, Julie Bindel is doing well in my books. Sadly, we now turn to an article she wrote for the Guardian newspaper entitled ‘Gender Benders, Beware’. This piece of writing lacks the objectivity of some of her other articles (comments about Grease notwithstanding). It appears that she has not considered the other side of the argument. The smaller aspects are the most annoying and contribute to the overall feel of the article. The article is in part a response to the transwoman who was not allowed to work as a rape victim helper. I don’t feel I have a right to pass judgement on the case itself, as I do not know the full details. The point I am trying to make is not who is right, but how Bindel presented her argument.
‘In 2002, Nixon had won $7,500, the highest amount ever awarded by the tribunal, for injury to “her dignity”‘
Reporting in whatever style, it is unprofessional to mock her with the sarcastic “her dignity”- the words are presented as if they are almost a ridiculous concept, instead of words which can be used ordinarily. Such an underhand blow I thought would have been edited out. Whatever the circumstances of the transwoman, she deserves respect as a human; and that means respecting her dignity.
‘The arrogance is staggering: having not experienced life as a “woman” until middle age, Nixon assumed “she” would be suitable to counsel women who have chosen to access a service that offers support from women who have suffered similar experiences, not from a man in a dress! The Rape Relief sisters, who do not believe a surgically constructed vagina and hormonally grown breasts make you a woman, successfully challenged the ruling and, for now at least, the law says that to suffer discrimination as a woman you have to be, er, a woman.’
Bindel makes her point but there are more dignified and respectable ways in which to pass comment. The sarcastic and superior tone that this passage takes is shocking. The trans woman has spent a good deal of her life struggling to be accepted and treated as the woman she feels she is. All else aside, giving her the respect of using the correct pronoun for her chosen gender without implying that is incorrect, is just common courtesy. I have never met the woman involved and I am going to guess that neither has Bindel. I am not going to pass judgment until know more, but if someone feels about something so strongly that they are willing to get surgery to assist, then they deserve to be allowed to live as their chosen gender.
Further to this, Bindel is not only stylistically insulting, but fails to acknowledge the view held by many trans-sexuals that their gender identity is based on mental, not physical, traits. While it is easy to appreciate why a female who has suffered gender-related abuse may be more comfortable with a physical female, it would be to Bindel’s credit if she could be similarly sympathetic to the desires and emotions of the transsexual woman involved.
The article continues in this insulting vein for sometime before concluding that…
‘I don’t have a problem with men disposing of their genitals, but it does not make them women, in the same way that shoving a bit of vacuum hose down your 501s does not make you a man.’
Should this women be awarded Journalist of the Year by an association that supports gay, lesbian and bisexual rights? Certainly Julie Bindel writes confidently and sticks by her beliefs. She reports what she thinks and is apparently unafraid of the consequences. As such, perhaps she does deserve an award for journalism. Keeping alive the spirit of debate and discussion is important. Does she deserve it from a group dedicated to the equality of LGB people? I am not sure. Although Stonewall does not represent trans people, they should perhaps think about us as humans if nothing else. Do we deserve the disrespect that Bindel gives us?
I know that many feminists believe that gender is just socially constructed and the idea of transsexuals is often insulting to that idea. If we lived in a world with no gender roles, would transsexuals feel the need to transition? I am not sure I would, however I find it very difficult to imagine a world without social norms such as gender.
Discuss
x
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2004/jan/31/gender.weekend7
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/apr/10/gender.gayrights
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/aug/01/mytransmission
I once played a game called get involved. There was a ball and a goal but the only way you could score was to get involved and contribute in someway. A lovely concept till you realize that it was only to be played at the most inappropriate times.
I represent the trans community of my university. I am trying to raise the profile of trans issues around campus but i am finding it difficult. I am currently the only out trans student. Thankfully i have a huge support base from the gay community. That got me thinking.
Why are trans issues tied with gay and lesbian ones? Sexuality is not explicitly associated with gender identity. I think it is very kind of the LGB to take the Ts in and give them support until they can bloom independently.
I love being part of an active community and representing my minority. I can only hope that i do it well and faithfully bring the concerns of the trans people across.
I haven’t dressed casually for a long time now. It scares me. I wish i could do it more and i am not sure what stops me. My house mates are mostly fine with it. There is an internal conflict that i have to resolve somehow.
x,
Autumn is my favorite season. There is just so much more symbolism to enjoy and contemplate as you walk from place to place. Crunching leaves of the deepest gold and wearing a scarf for the first time in many months.
I like it because it is cold yet still feels like summer. I know it will get colder but right now, i can feel the sun on my face.
I am no closer to coming to a conclusion about myself. I still wait upon an appointment from London. Socially i am still failing. Should i just give up and accept that this is the way i am? I could wait and see if being middle aged suits me best. So far adolescence has been less than kind.
I wish i could write more. I have applied to my local newspaper so that i may have more structured writing to do creatively. Essays do not count. I enjoy linguistics: it is mind reading on a basic level. What a person thinks will have an effect on their choice of words be it conscious or unconscious. If you pay close enough attention to the words and how they are spoken in context, you can understand a great deal about the person and their mental processes.
By reading back what i have written, i hope to gaze into my own mind and search the cavernous halls within. The feedback also gives me multiple angles on things that may have escaped my attention.
For example, the word ‘escaped’ in the line above can be interpreted in many different ways. I may feel like physically or mentally leaving. I may feel like it is my attention that has escaped. Perhaps i crave more reinforcement of my believes so i implore you by having the words ‘escaped’ and ‘feedback’ in the same line so that you may pity me more.
I am sure you understand where i am going with this.
If i write more, i will understand more. The more that i understand, the happier i will feel about living as the person i choose.
Tell me if i am making a mistake.
I have the internet once more.
After several calls for the kettle to be put one, i can hear the sweet chimes of mugs being carelessly placed on the kitchen top. Soon all will be well. I can curl up in my bed with my laptop, a blanket and a warm mug. From this fortress i hide from the world. Here it doesn’t matter who i am or what i will be. All is well beneath the sheets and behind the steam rising from the mug.
But when the mug is empty, reality must be confronted. I am in need of a shave, some breakfast and some severe psychotherapy. I am wasting what is supposed to be the best few years of my life debating the fundamentals of my identity. I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent. I feel like a husk: the broken shell of a veteran of life and i have barely left the start. Is this a common feeling? Are we all this disenchanted? If we are, why hold up the veneer of a happy life? If not, what am i missing and why won’t anyone assist?
And i am tired of rhetoric.
I feel genderless in the worst way. I have no desire to be either. My apathy will be the end of me. I feel no pull from either male or female sides of myself. I desperately wish i could just fit the binary. Is that cowardly of me? Should i push and strive to be an individual outside of what society accepts? What if i am too scared? As bad as it sounds i would like a comfortable life. I want to be accepted as who i am but if i can’t find acceptance i am not strong enough to push for it. I could easily live as a woman or a man. I admire those who sit between and fend off those who criticise and mock.
I hate myself for not being strong enough to break out of the dichotomy. Perhaps it will happen in time. I crave adventure in nearly all other aspects of my life. If adrenaline is not stampeding through my veins i feel like i am not really living. Yet i cannot stand up for myself and take control when it comes to my gender.
I am starting a fresh term at university. Perhaps this could be a turning point. Perhaps i have used the word ‘perhaps’ too often in this entry. Unknowns and possibilities are all that i have.
Perhaps i need another dose of hot drink and blankets…
x
Gender is yellow, or so i am informed.
Waiting to return to university is difficult. All i do it wait. Day by day, i sit in my chair and gnaw off inessential body parts to cure my boredom. The internet is only so good at keeping me occupied. It just serves as a reminder or how little i have to do till i return. Soon i will be at university, surrounded by friends with the freedom and motivation to do and dress as i please.
Motivation is often forgotten by me when talking about my gender. At times like this when i have every opportunity to dress up and play around the house all day, i don’t. I can not be motivated enough to do what will make me happy. I need things to be doing. I need a purpose to be happy and be what i feel. I need to be going out to meet people, or taking photos, or performing a worthy task for me to be motivated enough to be myself. Otherwise i wake up in the morning, throw on some jeans and sit in front of my computer. I am still genderqueer in my mind, but my body doesn’t seem to matter at this point. Everything is so dull and gray that putting on a skirt to match my mind seem futile.
I just hope things will be better when i get back to uni and once again have my freedom and busy week.
x
Returning to university has been postponed. My escape has been blocked and now i am huddled in a corner alone. I just have to wait.
The past few days i spent lying in my bed thinking very hard. Between dreams and blackness my mind found time to think of my future in all its respects. Where will my gender go? What impact will that have? Where will my degree get me? What can i do? It is really a time to define who i am so that i can live out my life as that person.
I see myself as a cloud of uncertainty. It would be egotistical of me to say that i am a cloud of potential, but the potential can be for both bad and good. I branch out and try things too see if my cloud will fit that mold. I feel that i need to settle into a shape before i can properly live out anything from study to relationships. I fail at everything if i am not a real shape. Clouds just drift unhappily through life till they break and fall on someone.
After an inordinate amount of reading and talking to those that know, i have come to several conclusions about my situation. I do not feel the same way about myself as most post-op women that i know. They knew all the way along. They had no doubts. They didn’t hide their femininity, they just thought it was the norm. When i was young i was very aware that i had to hide what i felt for fear of ridicule. They didn’t feel the purges and lapses that i get so often. I one day i want to be a woman so much that it hurts. Another day i will feel so uncertain about the whole thing that i will just sit and cry.
I cannot hope to transition until i either sort this out, or accept that i will never full be a woman and that i should be a male. I can explore the boundaries of my gender, but from the male side of the Great Divide.
I also know that the female feelings inside of me will never die even though they are not as strong as a fully trans woman’s. In response to this i will feel compelled to crossdress from time to time but not as a horny transvestite. I have no desire to sit in a bra and panties and jerk off to porn. I am still a woman; just not full time. When presenting as Alice i will still expect to be treated as a woman even though we all know that it is a temporary arrangement.
I have taken a liking to the term ‘gender illusionist’. Being a totally normal male but having the ability to transform into a woman at the drop of a hat. A convincing one at that. I do not wish to be in the closet. If i am not to be a full time woman, i will not hide what i do. It is a part of me and always will be.
I am not dashing my hopes of a full transition, i am just laying a safety net for myself should i fall. The idea of getting rid of my shame between my legs is still rather appealing. The difference between me and girls that have transitioned, is that i don’t mind being a boy; i would just prefer being a girl.
I always have the future to transition should i decide that it is appropriate. I am saddened that the older i get, the less time i will have spent as who i am. The older i get, the less successful my transition will be, but i can’t live as a cloud. I will try and enjoy my life as described above, but should it fail i have the option to transition later. Make the most of now so that i don’t regret my time as a boy if i decide to change.
Well, sorry for such a long post. I got carried away. Just a quick thanks to people on here that comment and encourage me to write more. Lynn Jones for her advice and sharp mind. Alison for her balanced arguments and breadth of knowledge. Snowdropexplodes for always being there reading. And everyone else for reading about me. This blog keeps me going.
xx
My physical body is a mess.
I do not look after it. This is for a few reasons. Firstly i am not sure what i want from it. Do i want to be the skinny girl shape? Will that even work with my basic male shape? Do i want to be a skinny effeminate male? Do i want to be a fit, moderately muscular young bi man? The latter is the easiest for me to active. I have been fit before and i know what i can do to regain it.
When going through puberty i was very fit. Always doing things and getting out and about. Not actively getting fit, it was more a by-product of me having fun. As a result i was a fairly attractive male growing up. Then i threw this upon myself. I though that i was not meant to be that so i relapsed. I stopped everything. I sat and did nothing to avoid looking so male.
I will have to decide soon what i want.
Soon.
Will i be happy living as a effeminate bisexual male who occasionally dressed up as a girl to go out. Do i need more as a person to live content? Do i need to physically change my body in order to live with a sense of well being? Lots of questions need answering and the only one who can do that is myself.
I do not think i could ever go back in the closet. I am openly confused. Hiding it when i was younger was very painful. Now pain comes from the pressure to decide to fit into a binary gender system. Is the pressure imagined? Possibly; i do have a warped view of most of the world (as acquaintances of mine will testify). It will be difficult. But if i do change, i want it to be sooner rather than later. I want to live my live as who i am meant to be. Sitting in the decision place is not where i want to be for the rest of my life.
Get me out. Help me decide. In 50 years time i have no plan to look back and wish that i had done the other thing. If i choose i have to stick to it and be happy. When i decide i cannot look back. It would remind me of the indecision and the pain that comes with it. Being either male or female later in life, i do not want to feel like i have wasted my time pretending.
This will affect everything. Absolutely everything. My choice will not just be life changing, but it will be shattering, burning and rebuilding of everything i know.
Where will i go?
The rabbit hole is open. Would Alice have been better off not going to Wonderland?
Last night we made a hovercraft! But that is another story.
The exams are very soon. The revision is going badly. The concentration is lacking and i sleep at peculiar times. These are not related, but occurring at the same time, they are infuriating.
Here is a brief update of things.
- Lily and i are going strong.
- Exams are being difficult and i worry.
- I plan to be the trans representative for my university.
- I must develop a normal sleeping routine by tomorrow.
- I plan to buy a vespa ^_^
- I have met some lovely people online who have made things easier to cope with.
- I have met some lovely people offline who have made things nicer.
- I am off to the USA with my father. I must talk to him about my feelings.
- The summer will be difficult. More on that later.
‘Cause I’m half sick of shadows,
I want to see the sky.
Everyone else can watch the sun goes down,
So why can’t I?
University is more of a holiday than anything else. You are surrounded by your friends, you do the things that you want to do, and you are away from your parents.
The Easter break was not a holiday for me. I did not enjoy myself. I sat in my room slowly rotting while waiting for the day to end. It was a most unpleasant experience and i am not looking forward to the summer holidays.
My thoughts about being Alice have been very mixed. I haven’t dressed up for a long while even when i have had many opportunities to do so. I have been trying to think of a explanation but nothing comes to mind. Perhaps i am coming to accept the fact that i will never be a convincing girl so i may as well try and be an ok boy. Since i have been open about having gender dysphoria, i have been distanced from ‘normal’ people. This could be because they find it difficult to talk to someone who they know nothing about and could be frightened of. Or, it could be because i am avoiding doing thing that i think of as boyish, and as such people don’t want to be seen with me because i am not being a boy. I am fairly sure that it is a combination of both of these points, but there is one way in which it can be solved.
If i give up trying to be a girl until i am stable and settled, could i be happier? Would having friends counter the horrible feeling of living a lie?
I feel experimentation is needed. It is too late to win favor in my classes. They already know me as the quiet and strange one. I have a plan.
I cut my hair, buy a wig, and return to being Alice in my own time. I could share her with some very close friends, but otherwise she would remain hidden. I could hide it from everyone who didn’t need to know. Even a girl friend (if i ever get one) wouldn’t need to know. If i get a boy friend, i would probably tell him, but i don’t seem to be very popular in the gay community. I mean people like me, but they wouldn’t consider going out with me, or even kissing me.
I feel very young again. I feel like i have never been kissed or been with anyone. I feel like starting again would be a real step backwards and i am afraid of it.
Coming out was very difficult. Going through it again would be traumatic.
It is likely that i will get very drunk tonight and end up being miserable. Sad times for all.
xx
