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I have been thinking a lot. ‘Too much’ some would say.
I have to talk to some close friends about it first but i hope to write up my thoughts in full when they have matured into words that will make sense on paper. Suffice to say that it could be nearly over. The forrest is still dense but i can see sunlight through the thick leaves.
I have a fondness for each season. I will always love the one i am in the best, whatever it happens to be. Autumn is pretty and i get to wear coats and be warm. It is also dark and mysterious. It fits me well (or do i fit to it?)
University work is getting much harder. This first assignment will go badly. Hopefully it will spur me on to do better in the next.
I haven’t spoken to my trans friends recently. I hope they do not think that i am abandoning them. I just need to be in a neutral place to sort this out.
x
A brief rethink of my life is in order. I need a weekend in a place i don’t know with a tent and a bike. I need to be away from everything and everyone so that i may think and reflect. Lots of things are up in the air at the moment. Where they will land when they fall remains to be seen.
It seems most people are moving on and living broader, happier lives. I find myself in a narrow corridor. I may need ot run around and make some noise. I need to feel that i am heard, wanted and needed.
Once again my gender identiy is in question. I feel that i am closer to a conclusion but i am not sure if the conclusion will make me happier. If i eventually decide one way or the other, i will have to majorly adjust my life accordingly. Nothing will stay the same when i choose the path i will walk down for the rest of my life. I am living a two parallel half lives. If i chose to live one fully i have to cut off the other. I just have to decide which will hurt the least to sever.
Things are not going well.
Meep
I have been having very lucid and peculiar dreams of late. A few nights ago i dreamt of motorbiking around a posh dinner party where prizes were being given out. I was awarded a horse with a silly amount of modern technology fitted to the saddle. I rode everywhere but the things kept slipping and i had to reach round and put them straight.
The night after that i was at an old great house and for some reason i had to fly a course to test my abilities in a slow single seat biplane. I could control it easily but i forgot where i was mean to be going. I ended up in an old city with gothic buildings covered in vines. There were many small rivers making their way through the city. It was a silly cross between Venice and Durham, but exaggerations of both. The sun was setting and casting a golden glow over everything. I forgot about getting to where i wanted to go and i just flew around the buildings, landing on the roofs and skimming the rivers and bridges. It was autumn.
Tonight’s dream was odd and lovely. I can only remember the last part. For whatever reason i was lying on a sofa on the stage of my old school hall except that it was at university. I was dressed up all nicely. Someone was giving a speech and i just lay there gazing into his eyes. He held up a photo for all to see. It had been taken a few days before when we had last gathered in the hall. I was a black and white photograph of me and those around me in the hall. Everyone was looking at the camera except one girl over my left shoulder who was staring at me with a concentration i have never before seen. I turned away from the photo to look for her in the seated crowd. She slowly stood up and looked directly at me with a smile. She wore her hair in a short dark brown bob. Her neck was long and her shoulders thin. She was the same height as me and it suddenly struck me that she was a man. The audience had long known and were all smiling at our meeting. Everyone else faded and it was her and i left alone.
We talked for hours. She was on my course at university. She showed me her folders full of notes. She was meticulous in her studies. She clearly was a hard worker. A strange point was that she used novelty key rings to illustrate major points with. One page had monkeys one spelling out the word ‘SEX’. On closer inspection, all the monkeys had different names for condoms on them. This seemed like a perfectly natural thing to do.
We got on very well. Instant best friends, we shared numbers and promised to meet again soon. The world spun and i was in a London street following a group of young men to an underground bar. They were all army officers and were dressed in battle gear. I am not sure what i was wearing, possible still nice girl things from the previous scene. I got talking to someone who happened to be the brother of the girl i had met. It seemed that everyone accepted totally that she was a girl. There didn’t seem to be any mention of her not being one. Although she was very pretty, she didn’t quite pass, but people saw her for what she wanted them to. He saw i had her phone in my hand. I must have forgotten to return it. We ate soup and vodka till i was spun back onto the street at which point a crowd had gathered and an old style London Bus had turned up.
She was there and she had a friend. Her friend was also a trans woman. They had never had any hormonal treatment, they were just very good at dressing up.
I was suddenly in a huge dress walking down the street with everyone following me. The bus had departed with all the army people i had become friends with. I talked and walked with her for hours before i woke up.
She was my best friend ever and i will never see her again.
I didn’t even ask for her name.
[Yes the photo is of me]
I have the internet once more.
After several calls for the kettle to be put one, i can hear the sweet chimes of mugs being carelessly placed on the kitchen top. Soon all will be well. I can curl up in my bed with my laptop, a blanket and a warm mug. From this fortress i hide from the world. Here it doesn’t matter who i am or what i will be. All is well beneath the sheets and behind the steam rising from the mug.
But when the mug is empty, reality must be confronted. I am in need of a shave, some breakfast and some severe psychotherapy. I am wasting what is supposed to be the best few years of my life debating the fundamentals of my identity. I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent. I feel like a husk: the broken shell of a veteran of life and i have barely left the start. Is this a common feeling? Are we all this disenchanted? If we are, why hold up the veneer of a happy life? If not, what am i missing and why won’t anyone assist?
And i am tired of rhetoric.
I feel genderless in the worst way. I have no desire to be either. My apathy will be the end of me. I feel no pull from either male or female sides of myself. I desperately wish i could just fit the binary. Is that cowardly of me? Should i push and strive to be an individual outside of what society accepts? What if i am too scared? As bad as it sounds i would like a comfortable life. I want to be accepted as who i am but if i can’t find acceptance i am not strong enough to push for it. I could easily live as a woman or a man. I admire those who sit between and fend off those who criticise and mock.
I hate myself for not being strong enough to break out of the dichotomy. Perhaps it will happen in time. I crave adventure in nearly all other aspects of my life. If adrenaline is not stampeding through my veins i feel like i am not really living. Yet i cannot stand up for myself and take control when it comes to my gender.
I am starting a fresh term at university. Perhaps this could be a turning point. Perhaps i have used the word ‘perhaps’ too often in this entry. Unknowns and possibilities are all that i have.
Perhaps i need another dose of hot drink and blankets…
x
Gender is yellow, or so i am informed.
Waiting to return to university is difficult. All i do it wait. Day by day, i sit in my chair and gnaw off inessential body parts to cure my boredom. The internet is only so good at keeping me occupied. It just serves as a reminder or how little i have to do till i return. Soon i will be at university, surrounded by friends with the freedom and motivation to do and dress as i please.
Motivation is often forgotten by me when talking about my gender. At times like this when i have every opportunity to dress up and play around the house all day, i don’t. I can not be motivated enough to do what will make me happy. I need things to be doing. I need a purpose to be happy and be what i feel. I need to be going out to meet people, or taking photos, or performing a worthy task for me to be motivated enough to be myself. Otherwise i wake up in the morning, throw on some jeans and sit in front of my computer. I am still genderqueer in my mind, but my body doesn’t seem to matter at this point. Everything is so dull and gray that putting on a skirt to match my mind seem futile.
I just hope things will be better when i get back to uni and once again have my freedom and busy week.
x
I am at a great point in my life. Crossroads have been and gone. I am now in the wastelands between the two roads stretching off to either side of me. The longer i spend here, the more i will break apart. I must make my choice soon, or risk loosing much that is precious to me. ‘What happens when you loose everything? – You start again.’
I am going out tonight in what i consider to be fairly androgynous outfit. Many things could happen. Lots of feelings and emotions are up in the air and are ready to come crashing down. I just can’t spot the trigger yet. I just know it is there.
This is the kind of occasion where having another trans person to talk to properly would help a great deal. Exams are not going very well, but that was to be expected.
I wonder if oestrogen is affected by fluoxetine…
-Alice
xxx
Last night we made a hovercraft! But that is another story.
The exams are very soon. The revision is going badly. The concentration is lacking and i sleep at peculiar times. These are not related, but occurring at the same time, they are infuriating.
Here is a brief update of things.
- Lily and i are going strong.
- Exams are being difficult and i worry.
- I plan to be the trans representative for my university.
- I must develop a normal sleeping routine by tomorrow.
- I plan to buy a vespa ^_^
- I have met some lovely people online who have made things easier to cope with.
- I have met some lovely people offline who have made things nicer.
- I am off to the USA with my father. I must talk to him about my feelings.
- The summer will be difficult. More on that later.
‘Cause I’m half sick of shadows,
I want to see the sky.
Everyone else can watch the sun goes down,
So why can’t I?
Where to begin?
I wore my first item of girl’s clothing at age 5. It was an act of innocent curiosity: I wanted to know what it was like. Upon putting my trousers back on, I was caught by my father who was a little concerned. He found me in my friend’s room struggling with my trousers around my knees. I remember feeling guilty and ashamed (complex emotions for a five year old).
I cannot recall specific events after that, but I know that I didn’t stop. As young as 10 I was wondering into my mother’s wardrobe and trying things on. I was pleased because I was small enough to fit in to most of her clothes at the time.
I was never caught. I was so very careful because memory the guilt and humiliation was too great. Perhaps it is this climate that always accompanied my adventures into the wardrobe that makes things so difficult now.
It was an ad trader newspaper that gave me a name. I was looking through at the adverts for things and services for sale. At the back, near the personal adverts was a big bow with two photos in it. I forget the headline or any of the text. I was transfixed on the images. The first showed a man in a shirt and tie looking glumly down at his feet. The second showed a pretty lady in a gorgeous dress and shoes. I suppose this was the first time I realised that I was not entirely alone, and that it was possible to really be a girl. The advert was for a transformation agency that turned ugly men into beautiful women. I have never thought that it was really possible to be a girl. I had wanted to be one, but the apparent impossibility of the task stopped most of my fantasies. My aim was to one day spend a week dressed entirely as a woman. I planned out how I would get my clothes and how I would tell everyone I was going on holiday. The secrecy of the act was central to the feelings associated with it.
Every time I dressed, my heart raced, the adrenaline was going and I felt wonderful. It is difficult now to separate the causes of these sensations. I was very scared of being caught, but I loved being a girl for 10 minutes each day.
It almost became an addiction. When I was 13-14 I always asked mother exactly how long she would be out for. I became a master of time keeping and espionage. I placed things on the gate so I would hear if it was being opened. I spent a minute looking at the arrangement of the clothes I would use so that I could put them back perfectly and avoid detection. I did this nearly everyday when mother would go out to collect my brother from the various things that he did. I would have just less than 15 minutes. She would get in the car; I would slowly walk to her room. I would hear her leave the drive-way and disappear down the road. At this point I would be in her draws looking for nice things to wear.
I always wanted to try on makeup but I knew nothing about it. I didn’t know what went where or how much to use. The greatest fear I had was finding the lipstick not coming off. Mother would suspect and the consequences of that were too horrible to think about. With hindsight, I can see that the consequences would have been quite beneficial, but my perception of such things was warped to say the least.
More to come
And so, after a long break, i return to my blog.
Thank you to all who have been visiting during my absence. I hope i will not disappoint you in posts to come.
I am about to get in the bath, relax and wash. Then i will wax my legs, shave my other parts and try out my new outfit. I have been very confused in my thoughts over the past few months and it has had a severe detrimental effect on my life. I have been sitting alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. The loneliness is extremely difficult for me to cope with. I know that if i cut my hair and become a boy again, i will rarely be alone. I will be liked and not avoided like some virulent disease. Sadly, such an option involves me lying to myself and returning to the internal pain of a few years ago.
Is the emotional turmoil or not telling anyone my secret worse than the emotional hell of having no friends because i am trying to be true to myself? (Rhetoric)
Lily is coming to stay tomorrow and i am going to try and be as much of a girl around her as i feel comfortable to do. I fear her coming because we have been fighting and we are both still raw. Luckily, we both need each other to survive, so things should work out.
We plan to take some nice photos of me as a girl so you can expect goodies.
I plan to provide an update tomorrow, or on monday regarding lily’s stay.
x
*WARNING – this post may contain too many Alice in Wonderland references*
My depression is coming back. And it is coming back like a steam-train. Unstoppable, unrelenting, and something that i recognise.It makes me feel sick. I am not strong enough to cope with everyday pressures that life throws at me. So many people are so happy, they just don’t see it. I wish i could be like that. I wish i could enjoy things. But everything i do, i can never see the happy side of it. I am forever stuck in the negative. Being bi-polar wouldn’t be so bad because i would get the highs as well. Right now i just get one long incredible low.
I may need to go to the doctor soon and ask for help. My work is suffering heavily. I have missed an entire essay. Two essays have been given in late, and i have failed two moduals. I have been unable to tell anyone in the department about my issues because i see them as somehow irrelevant. If i have a physical problem, it would be ok. If i broke my leg i would feel justified to miss an essay. It is the problem that i am perfectly able that is bothering me. I know that if i had the time and the energy, i would be able to do the essays to a very high standard.
Sigh
I will see how things go over the easter holidays. Perhaps things will brighten up..
I have decided to put being a girl on hold. At least until i am happy. Things are just too difficult at the moment without the added bonus of being transgender (although that is contributing heavily to the depression).
Help is greatly appreciated.
Oh and my love life is suffering blows from every angle.
