Back down the hole

*WARNING – this post may contain too many Alice in Wonderland references*



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My depression is coming back. And it is coming back like a steam-train. Unstoppable, unrelenting, and something that i recognise.It makes me feel sick. I am not strong enough to cope with everyday pressures that life throws at me. So many people are so happy, they just don’t see it. I wish i could be like that. I wish i could enjoy things. But everything i do, i can never see the happy side of it. I am forever stuck in the negative. Being bi-polar wouldn’t be so bad because i would get the highs as well. Right now i just get one long incredible low.

I may need to go to the doctor soon and ask for help. My work is suffering heavily. I have missed an entire essay. Two essays have been given in late, and i have failed two moduals. I have been unable to tell anyone in the department about my issues because i see them as somehow irrelevant. If i have a physical problem, it would be ok. If i broke my leg i would feel justified to miss an essay. It is the problem that i am perfectly able that is bothering me. I know that if i had the time and the energy, i would be able to do the essays to a very high standard.

Sigh

I will see how things go over the easter holidays. Perhaps things will brighten up..

I have decided to put being a girl on hold. At least until i am happy. Things are just too difficult at the moment without the added bonus of being transgender (although that is contributing heavily to the depression).

Help is greatly appreciated.

 Oh and my love life is suffering blows from every angle.

The solitary life of a teenage crossdresser

What follows is full of sadness and may read like an emo child’s blog. For this i am sorry, but i need to get it off my chest. Look forward to more exciting entries later, but have a quick insight first.

Last night i realised some of my emotions and feelings. I have been avoiding them for fear of becoming depressed in a strange world. I wanted everyone to think i was bright and happy, but the façade is cracking.

I have been trying to slowly come out as Alice but it is proving very difficult. I don’t know if it is me who is making it hard or them. I could be putting up a barrier between me and them. They could be doing the same. Either way, things are not going well. I have a solution, but it is painful.

I could just come out entirely and go for it as Alice. This may shock some people and scare them off. I am so afraid of being left alone in this place. If i came out and was abandoned by those i know, i would lose all sense of what i should do. I would be lost and confused, but more importantly, alone.

Back home i was never alone. I thought i was. I did the standard teenage thing of thinking that i was on my own, but looking back i can see that i was well loved by many. I should have made more of it, but i messed up. My depression last year warped my entire perspective of the world. I am sorry to those who i didn’t appriciate properly. I won’t name them all here for fear that i will forget someone. But know that i am sorry.

Last night i dreamt that i passed perfectly as a girl. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I think that only crossdressers and those that love them will understand the feeling i am trying to describe. I woke up smiling which is a very strange occurrence. I wasn’t expecting a nice dream. The previous day had not been a good one. I had felt so solitary.

One of my friends told me that he had spoken to one of the girls on my course. Apparently i was known as the crazy boy that was always alone. There are approximately 200 people in my lectures and i am always alone in them. ‘Why don’t you talk to somebody?’

I am too scared to start a conversation. Everyone has already developed into groups and i wouldn’t want to invade one. I suppose i am waiting for one to take pity on me. It is a selfish position to take but i can’t see any other way. I am too scared of going to any other groups. The girls would all think i am being weird and the guys wouldn’t want me because i ain’t especially ‘cool’.

Things are difficult and i do not think they will improve any time soon.

I have been eating one meal a day and it has being going well but i think i shall have to take it to less than that. For the next few days i am going to try and not eat anything at all. Just drinking water. I need to do it. Only being womanly will make me happy.

I want to write about Lily, but i don’t want to include those thoughts among this unhappy post. Perhaps another time.

x