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A brief rethink of my life is in order. I need a weekend in a place i don’t know with a tent and a bike. I need to be away from everything and everyone so that i may think and reflect. Lots of things are up in the air at the moment. Where they will land when they fall remains to be seen.
It seems most people are moving on and living broader, happier lives. I find myself in a narrow corridor. I may need ot run around and make some noise. I need to feel that i am heard, wanted and needed.
Once again my gender identiy is in question. I feel that i am closer to a conclusion but i am not sure if the conclusion will make me happier. If i eventually decide one way or the other, i will have to majorly adjust my life accordingly. Nothing will stay the same when i choose the path i will walk down for the rest of my life. I am living a two parallel half lives. If i chose to live one fully i have to cut off the other. I just have to decide which will hurt the least to sever.
Things are not going well.
Meep
I have been having very lucid and peculiar dreams of late. A few nights ago i dreamt of motorbiking around a posh dinner party where prizes were being given out. I was awarded a horse with a silly amount of modern technology fitted to the saddle. I rode everywhere but the things kept slipping and i had to reach round and put them straight.
The night after that i was at an old great house and for some reason i had to fly a course to test my abilities in a slow single seat biplane. I could control it easily but i forgot where i was mean to be going. I ended up in an old city with gothic buildings covered in vines. There were many small rivers making their way through the city. It was a silly cross between Venice and Durham, but exaggerations of both. The sun was setting and casting a golden glow over everything. I forgot about getting to where i wanted to go and i just flew around the buildings, landing on the roofs and skimming the rivers and bridges. It was autumn.
Tonight’s dream was odd and lovely. I can only remember the last part. For whatever reason i was lying on a sofa on the stage of my old school hall except that it was at university. I was dressed up all nicely. Someone was giving a speech and i just lay there gazing into his eyes. He held up a photo for all to see. It had been taken a few days before when we had last gathered in the hall. I was a black and white photograph of me and those around me in the hall. Everyone was looking at the camera except one girl over my left shoulder who was staring at me with a concentration i have never before seen. I turned away from the photo to look for her in the seated crowd. She slowly stood up and looked directly at me with a smile. She wore her hair in a short dark brown bob. Her neck was long and her shoulders thin. She was the same height as me and it suddenly struck me that she was a man. The audience had long known and were all smiling at our meeting. Everyone else faded and it was her and i left alone.
We talked for hours. She was on my course at university. She showed me her folders full of notes. She was meticulous in her studies. She clearly was a hard worker. A strange point was that she used novelty key rings to illustrate major points with. One page had monkeys one spelling out the word ‘SEX’. On closer inspection, all the monkeys had different names for condoms on them. This seemed like a perfectly natural thing to do.
We got on very well. Instant best friends, we shared numbers and promised to meet again soon. The world spun and i was in a London street following a group of young men to an underground bar. They were all army officers and were dressed in battle gear. I am not sure what i was wearing, possible still nice girl things from the previous scene. I got talking to someone who happened to be the brother of the girl i had met. It seemed that everyone accepted totally that she was a girl. There didn’t seem to be any mention of her not being one. Although she was very pretty, she didn’t quite pass, but people saw her for what she wanted them to. He saw i had her phone in my hand. I must have forgotten to return it. We ate soup and vodka till i was spun back onto the street at which point a crowd had gathered and an old style London Bus had turned up.
She was there and she had a friend. Her friend was also a trans woman. They had never had any hormonal treatment, they were just very good at dressing up.
I was suddenly in a huge dress walking down the street with everyone following me. The bus had departed with all the army people i had become friends with. I talked and walked with her for hours before i woke up.
She was my best friend ever and i will never see her again.
I didn’t even ask for her name.
[Yes the photo is of me]
Is the claim the Stonewall is ‘transphobic’ justified?
Stonewall working for equality and justice for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals.
Many associations campaigning for gay rights have adopted the Trans cause to form the LGBT. Stonewall has decided to remain LGB as far as I can tell. This in itself is not a problem: there are many trans-only support groups to run to. Having a purely homosexual association is a good thing.
The trans community is in uproar after hearing that Stonewall have shortlisted Julie Bindel for an award at their upcoming ceremony; they are planning a protest outside the V&A where the ceremony is to be held. Many transpeople are blindly following what they are being told by Queer News and other such sources. As a transperson myself, I felt like looking slightly closer before I committed myself to attending a protest.
Julie Bindel is a feminist writer and journalist and a good one at that. She writes and speaks with articulation, precision and clarity about issues that most people avoid going near altogether. I admire her courage in speaking her mind and defending herself against those who perhaps only read what they wanted to see in her articles.
Julie Bindel certainly has an alternative view of trans people when compared to the majority of the LGBT community, but should an alternative view automatically be branded ‘transphobic’ because it doesn’t sit well with our current understanding? Whatever we believe, we should always consider alternatives and not dismiss them without seriously considering their implications. Julie Bindel has raised some very interesting and important points regarding trans people that should be discussed.
I am saddened to see my trans brothers and sisters jump to conclusions about a journalist because they read some quotations out of context on Facebook.
I will try and summarize her point of view, but be warned that this is my interpretation. I may be wrong on some conclusions and biased on others.
Bindel has written about gender neutral toilets (a topic that is close to the heart of any trans person). She feels that they aren’t very fair to women. Normally there are not enough toilets for females and adding gender neutral ones provides even less for women.
…’the British Film Institute on London’s South Bank, has created two gender-neutral toilets: one converted from a staff toilet and one from an existing women’s toilet – the busiest one, in fact, in the bar area. Which somehow doesn’t seem very fair.’
Perhaps this isn’t a fair way of doing things. Taking it out of the existing male toilet could have been a more responsible way of dealing with the situation based on the reasoning that the female toilets often have longer queues anyway.
‘But why would transgender folk need a “gender-neutral” loo at a gay film festival, when they would ordinarily use the one prescribed to their chosen gender?’
This is a fair point but not every trans person identifies solely with one gender. Many find the binary of female/male to be an insult when they consider themselves to be neither. Choosing a gender every time they have to use a toilet can be stressful. Often when a trans person uses a toilet ‘prescribed to their chosen gender’ they get ridiculed or insulted. If there was more tolerance, then using the toilet that they best identify with would be ideal but until then, the only way some of us can feel safe going to the toilet is to be in a gender neutral one.
On a different note, she brings her own experiences into an article.
‘Feminists want to rid the world of gender rules and regulations, so how is it possible to support a theory which has at its centre the notion that there is something essential and biological about the way boys and girls behave? As someone who spurned dolls and make-up as a child, I find it deeply troubling that, had I gone to one of the specialist psychiatrists while growing up and explained how I did not feel like a “real girl” (which I did not, because I wanted to be a lesbian), I could be writing this as a trans man.’
Playing with dolls and make-up is generally considered to be conforming to the classic female gender role that society has provided us with. Julie did not conform to the role expected of her and she says that if she had gone to a psychiatrist they may have considered her to be gender confused or transsexual. One would hope this would not happen. We should expect a specialist to be aware of the difference.
Not conforming to a gender role is different from having transsexual feelings. Often homosexuals (male and female) defy their assigned roles. They do not feel like they wish to be in the body of the opposite sex.
There is a distinction to be made between being homosexual and being transsexual. Because there may be common ’symptoms’ does not mean that they are the same. Transsexual people often feel that there is no way that they can live in the body they were born in -it is uncomfortable and depressing to pretend to be something that you psychologically are not. While homosexuals often have their own anguish and troubles throughout their development, it is not of the same calibre or nature as one who feels at odds not only with their environment, but with their own body.
Many trans people are not homosexual. They live perfectly ‘normal’ straight lives as women or men.
Julie Bindel has reflected upon an earlier article she wrote.
‘In hindsight, the sarcasm I used in my column was misplaced and insensitive (“Imagine a world inhabited just by transsexuals,” I wrote, complaining about the way many transsexuals parody traditional masculine and feminine styles of dress. “It would look like the set of Grease.”).’
Few journalist would have the humility to admit their mistakes let alone write about them. Hats off to Julie. She is correct. The fact the people reacted so much to force her to write a reply highlights the importance of the issue. The topic should not be so sacred that we cannot have a calm discussion about it without being hailed as someone who hates.
She also took part in a debate that I caught on Radio 4 not too long ago. She was given an impossible position to hold. She was put up against an audience and panel that she knew was dead against her. Yet she stood up and said what she thought in a calm and well structured debate. The contents of the debate are irrelevant to this point; what I admire is her determination.
‘It was one of the most challenging and stimulating debates I have taken part in. Not because the panel or the audience conceded much to my arguments, but because I was given a platform for my opinions, which are so often censored by those accusing me of bigotry and ignorance.’
So far, Julie Bindel is doing well in my books. Sadly, we now turn to an article she wrote for the Guardian newspaper entitled ‘Gender Benders, Beware’. This piece of writing lacks the objectivity of some of her other articles (comments about Grease notwithstanding). It appears that she has not considered the other side of the argument. The smaller aspects are the most annoying and contribute to the overall feel of the article. The article is in part a response to the transwoman who was not allowed to work as a rape victim helper. I don’t feel I have a right to pass judgement on the case itself, as I do not know the full details. The point I am trying to make is not who is right, but how Bindel presented her argument.
‘In 2002, Nixon had won $7,500, the highest amount ever awarded by the tribunal, for injury to “her dignity”‘
Reporting in whatever style, it is unprofessional to mock her with the sarcastic “her dignity”- the words are presented as if they are almost a ridiculous concept, instead of words which can be used ordinarily. Such an underhand blow I thought would have been edited out. Whatever the circumstances of the transwoman, she deserves respect as a human; and that means respecting her dignity.
‘The arrogance is staggering: having not experienced life as a “woman” until middle age, Nixon assumed “she” would be suitable to counsel women who have chosen to access a service that offers support from women who have suffered similar experiences, not from a man in a dress! The Rape Relief sisters, who do not believe a surgically constructed vagina and hormonally grown breasts make you a woman, successfully challenged the ruling and, for now at least, the law says that to suffer discrimination as a woman you have to be, er, a woman.’
Bindel makes her point but there are more dignified and respectable ways in which to pass comment. The sarcastic and superior tone that this passage takes is shocking. The trans woman has spent a good deal of her life struggling to be accepted and treated as the woman she feels she is. All else aside, giving her the respect of using the correct pronoun for her chosen gender without implying that is incorrect, is just common courtesy. I have never met the woman involved and I am going to guess that neither has Bindel. I am not going to pass judgment until know more, but if someone feels about something so strongly that they are willing to get surgery to assist, then they deserve to be allowed to live as their chosen gender.
Further to this, Bindel is not only stylistically insulting, but fails to acknowledge the view held by many trans-sexuals that their gender identity is based on mental, not physical, traits. While it is easy to appreciate why a female who has suffered gender-related abuse may be more comfortable with a physical female, it would be to Bindel’s credit if she could be similarly sympathetic to the desires and emotions of the transsexual woman involved.
The article continues in this insulting vein for sometime before concluding that…
‘I don’t have a problem with men disposing of their genitals, but it does not make them women, in the same way that shoving a bit of vacuum hose down your 501s does not make you a man.’
Should this women be awarded Journalist of the Year by an association that supports gay, lesbian and bisexual rights? Certainly Julie Bindel writes confidently and sticks by her beliefs. She reports what she thinks and is apparently unafraid of the consequences. As such, perhaps she does deserve an award for journalism. Keeping alive the spirit of debate and discussion is important. Does she deserve it from a group dedicated to the equality of LGB people? I am not sure. Although Stonewall does not represent trans people, they should perhaps think about us as humans if nothing else. Do we deserve the disrespect that Bindel gives us?
I know that many feminists believe that gender is just socially constructed and the idea of transsexuals is often insulting to that idea. If we lived in a world with no gender roles, would transsexuals feel the need to transition? I am not sure I would, however I find it very difficult to imagine a world without social norms such as gender.
Discuss
x
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2004/jan/31/gender.weekend7
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/apr/10/gender.gayrights
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2007/aug/01/mytransmission
I once played a game called get involved. There was a ball and a goal but the only way you could score was to get involved and contribute in someway. A lovely concept till you realize that it was only to be played at the most inappropriate times.
I represent the trans community of my university. I am trying to raise the profile of trans issues around campus but i am finding it difficult. I am currently the only out trans student. Thankfully i have a huge support base from the gay community. That got me thinking.
Why are trans issues tied with gay and lesbian ones? Sexuality is not explicitly associated with gender identity. I think it is very kind of the LGB to take the Ts in and give them support until they can bloom independently.
I love being part of an active community and representing my minority. I can only hope that i do it well and faithfully bring the concerns of the trans people across.
I haven’t dressed casually for a long time now. It scares me. I wish i could do it more and i am not sure what stops me. My house mates are mostly fine with it. There is an internal conflict that i have to resolve somehow.
x,
Autumn is my favorite season. There is just so much more symbolism to enjoy and contemplate as you walk from place to place. Crunching leaves of the deepest gold and wearing a scarf for the first time in many months.
I like it because it is cold yet still feels like summer. I know it will get colder but right now, i can feel the sun on my face.
I am no closer to coming to a conclusion about myself. I still wait upon an appointment from London. Socially i am still failing. Should i just give up and accept that this is the way i am? I could wait and see if being middle aged suits me best. So far adolescence has been less than kind.
I wish i could write more. I have applied to my local newspaper so that i may have more structured writing to do creatively. Essays do not count. I enjoy linguistics: it is mind reading on a basic level. What a person thinks will have an effect on their choice of words be it conscious or unconscious. If you pay close enough attention to the words and how they are spoken in context, you can understand a great deal about the person and their mental processes.
By reading back what i have written, i hope to gaze into my own mind and search the cavernous halls within. The feedback also gives me multiple angles on things that may have escaped my attention.
For example, the word ‘escaped’ in the line above can be interpreted in many different ways. I may feel like physically or mentally leaving. I may feel like it is my attention that has escaped. Perhaps i crave more reinforcement of my believes so i implore you by having the words ‘escaped’ and ‘feedback’ in the same line so that you may pity me more.
I am sure you understand where i am going with this.
If i write more, i will understand more. The more that i understand, the happier i will feel about living as the person i choose.
Tell me if i am making a mistake.
Gender is yellow, or so i am informed.
Waiting to return to university is difficult. All i do it wait. Day by day, i sit in my chair and gnaw off inessential body parts to cure my boredom. The internet is only so good at keeping me occupied. It just serves as a reminder or how little i have to do till i return. Soon i will be at university, surrounded by friends with the freedom and motivation to do and dress as i please.
Motivation is often forgotten by me when talking about my gender. At times like this when i have every opportunity to dress up and play around the house all day, i don’t. I can not be motivated enough to do what will make me happy. I need things to be doing. I need a purpose to be happy and be what i feel. I need to be going out to meet people, or taking photos, or performing a worthy task for me to be motivated enough to be myself. Otherwise i wake up in the morning, throw on some jeans and sit in front of my computer. I am still genderqueer in my mind, but my body doesn’t seem to matter at this point. Everything is so dull and gray that putting on a skirt to match my mind seem futile.
I just hope things will be better when i get back to uni and once again have my freedom and busy week.
x
Returning to university has been postponed. My escape has been blocked and now i am huddled in a corner alone. I just have to wait.
The past few days i spent lying in my bed thinking very hard. Between dreams and blackness my mind found time to think of my future in all its respects. Where will my gender go? What impact will that have? Where will my degree get me? What can i do? It is really a time to define who i am so that i can live out my life as that person.
I see myself as a cloud of uncertainty. It would be egotistical of me to say that i am a cloud of potential, but the potential can be for both bad and good. I branch out and try things too see if my cloud will fit that mold. I feel that i need to settle into a shape before i can properly live out anything from study to relationships. I fail at everything if i am not a real shape. Clouds just drift unhappily through life till they break and fall on someone.
After an inordinate amount of reading and talking to those that know, i have come to several conclusions about my situation. I do not feel the same way about myself as most post-op women that i know. They knew all the way along. They had no doubts. They didn’t hide their femininity, they just thought it was the norm. When i was young i was very aware that i had to hide what i felt for fear of ridicule. They didn’t feel the purges and lapses that i get so often. I one day i want to be a woman so much that it hurts. Another day i will feel so uncertain about the whole thing that i will just sit and cry.
I cannot hope to transition until i either sort this out, or accept that i will never full be a woman and that i should be a male. I can explore the boundaries of my gender, but from the male side of the Great Divide.
I also know that the female feelings inside of me will never die even though they are not as strong as a fully trans woman’s. In response to this i will feel compelled to crossdress from time to time but not as a horny transvestite. I have no desire to sit in a bra and panties and jerk off to porn. I am still a woman; just not full time. When presenting as Alice i will still expect to be treated as a woman even though we all know that it is a temporary arrangement.
I have taken a liking to the term ‘gender illusionist’. Being a totally normal male but having the ability to transform into a woman at the drop of a hat. A convincing one at that. I do not wish to be in the closet. If i am not to be a full time woman, i will not hide what i do. It is a part of me and always will be.
I am not dashing my hopes of a full transition, i am just laying a safety net for myself should i fall. The idea of getting rid of my shame between my legs is still rather appealing. The difference between me and girls that have transitioned, is that i don’t mind being a boy; i would just prefer being a girl.
I always have the future to transition should i decide that it is appropriate. I am saddened that the older i get, the less time i will have spent as who i am. The older i get, the less successful my transition will be, but i can’t live as a cloud. I will try and enjoy my life as described above, but should it fail i have the option to transition later. Make the most of now so that i don’t regret my time as a boy if i decide to change.
Well, sorry for such a long post. I got carried away. Just a quick thanks to people on here that comment and encourage me to write more. Lynn Jones for her advice and sharp mind. Alison for her balanced arguments and breadth of knowledge. Snowdropexplodes for always being there reading. And everyone else for reading about me. This blog keeps me going.
xx
Writing as a catharsis?
I wish i could write more. If i felt what i was writing held worth i would probably do it more. I, like every other blogger in the world, would like to write a book at some point in my life. I consider this blog as a practice ground. I can write here without needing to be perfect. Hopefully i will build up a style and beauty of writing enough for it to warrant publication. Enough of this.
I have been thinking that i should change the name of this blog. ‘Being a teenage trans-person’ doesn’t roll off the tongue. It is less recognisable in a search. Suggestions are welcome.
I have been wanting to dress more recently for different reasons than i am used to. I now feel like i want to be a girl as a comfort thing. Like eating ice cream or hugging a pillow, i put on a skirt and make-up. Clearly that is not the only reason i do it. It is merely the trigger that has been pushing me over the last few days. It is interesting how things control our lives. i use the word ‘control’ is a gentle way. Perhaps ‘guide’ would have been more appropriate.
I wish i were musical, then i could express my emotion properly. Sometimes words don’t seem enough and i can’t record my thoughts in a way that satisfies me. Music can bring out much more in the mind.
Does doing performing male actions in a female mind make me any less of a woman?
x
Hello everyone. Sorry for running away. It was rude of me.
I am back from the place my mind was in that prevented me from writing. I don’t know where that was but perhaps we can explore it together.
Obviously lots has happened since last we spoke but i can’t write it all here. I will just pretend that you know it and continue with the most recent events.
Last weekend i met up with a very good friend and her friend who were both born male. Such a night i have never had. It is what i imagine living among girls would be like, for they treated me perfectly. Until i have successfully transitioned, it is only really others like me who understand what is going through my mind. They made me feel very comfortable being myself. It took a while to adjust because i am not overly femme much of the time. ‘Makeup, boys and wine’ sums up the evening fairly accurately. There were other things but i would rather not divulge more for fear of upsetting some readers.
Where am i in my thoughts? I am gender confused. I know that i am not male (this is something that i have always felt). I know that i enjoy and feel comfortable as a woman. I know that i have a lot to learn to become a ‘proper woman’. Even if i transition fully, i will still possess certain male traits that i have picked up while being in this body. Does that matter? I know that the process will be long and painful. I know that i could live out a fairly dull and slightly pained life as a hidden male if i wanted to. Do i want to become female enough to warrant SRS? Do i lie to the therapist to get what i want? Does any of that matter? I am who i am regardless of the body i am in. Sadly people will treat you differently depending on the body i am in. I don’t feel male, yet people treat me as one because of my body.
Phew… It is good to get that out of my system.
Comments are very much welcome. I am stuck and i need your support.
xx
Things will change. The direction is uncertain, but the magnitude of the event will not be small.
I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Chicago thinking heavily about what is to come. A plan is formulating in my mind. I have yet to commit it to paper but that will happen soon enough. Hopefully, if i follow all the steps in the scheme, i will have happiness of a sort in whatever shape my body ends up in. My time in America is being documented, but in paper form. There is a girl who needs to read it more than anyone else. If she allows me, i will put it up here, but later.
I have been having lots of thoughts about lots of things. This is a difficult time but it feels slightly productive. By the end of the summer, a path will have been chosen and then all i will have to do it walk down it. I could run, but it depends on how nice the road is. I will have plans for each eventuality. Some more extreme than the others. Some that people won’t agree with, not even those close to me and who support me in what i am doing. They may have difficulty understanding why some stages of the plans are necessary. They are just things that need to be done for me to feel like i can continue.
Having a course makes things a little easier in my mind, but it still leaves a significant amount of unrest. Different unrest.
The plans may be published on this blog, but i may want to keep them to myself and only tell you when they have been done. I will decide later.
I miss people from home that made me feel better about being myself but being in a strange place is liberating. I spent all day practising my girl walk. All smiles. I may get it yet.
I hope to update soon.
xx
