To sleep perchance to dream

I have been having very lucid and peculiar dreams of late. A few nights ago i dreamt of motorbiking around a posh dinner party where prizes were being given out. I was awarded a horse with a silly amount of modern technology fitted to the saddle. I rode everywhere but the things kept slipping and i had to reach round and put them straight.

The night after that i was at an old great house and for some reason i had to fly a course to test my abilities in a slow single seat biplane. I could control it easily but i forgot where i was mean to be going. I ended up in an old city with gothic buildings covered in vines. There were many small rivers making their way through the city. It was a silly cross between Venice and Durham, but exaggerations of both. The sun was setting and casting a golden glow over everything. I forgot about getting to where i wanted to go and i just flew around the buildings, landing on the roofs and skimming the rivers and bridges. It was autumn.

Tonight’s dream was odd and lovely. I can only remember the last part. For whatever reason i was lying on a sofa on the stage of my old school hall except that it was at university. I was dressed up all nicely. Someone was giving a speech and i just lay there gazing into his eyes. He held up a photo for all to see. It had been taken a few days before when we had last gathered in the hall. I was a black and white photograph of me and those around me in the hall. Everyone was looking at the camera except one girl over my left shoulder who was staring at me with a concentration i have never before seen. I turned away from the photo to look for her in the seated crowd. She slowly stood up and looked directly at me with a smile. She wore her hair in a short dark brown bob. Her neck was long and her shoulders thin. She was the same height as me and it suddenly struck me that she was a man. The audience had long known and were all smiling at our meeting. Everyone else faded and it was her and i left alone.

We talked for hours. She was on my course at university. She showed me her folders full of notes. She was meticulous in her studies. She clearly was a hard worker. A strange point was that she used novelty key rings to illustrate major points with. One page had monkeys one spelling out the word ‘SEX’. On closer inspection, all the monkeys had different names for condoms on them. This seemed like a perfectly natural thing to do.

We got on very well. Instant best friends, we shared numbers and promised to meet again soon. The world spun and i was in a London street following a group of young men to an underground bar. They were all army officers and were dressed in battle gear. I am not sure what i was wearing, possible still nice girl things from the previous scene. I got talking to someone who happened to be the brother of the girl i had met. It seemed that everyone accepted totally that she was a girl. There didn’t seem to be any mention of her not being one. Although she was very pretty, she didn’t quite pass, but people saw her for what she wanted them to. He saw i had her phone in my hand. I must have forgotten to return it. We ate soup and vodka till i was spun back onto the street at which point a crowd had gathered and an old style London Bus had turned up.

She was there and she had a friend. Her friend was also a trans woman. They had never had any hormonal treatment, they were just very good at dressing up.

I was suddenly in a huge dress walking down the street with everyone following me. The bus had departed with all the army people i had become friends with. I talked and walked with her for hours before i woke up.

She was my best friend ever and i will never see her again.

I didn’t even ask for her name.

[Yes the photo is of me]

A series of tubes

I have the internet once more.

After several calls for the kettle to be put one, i can hear the sweet chimes of mugs being carelessly placed on the kitchen top. Soon all will be well. I can curl up in my bed with my laptop, a blanket and a warm mug. From this fortress i hide from the world. Here it doesn’t matter who i am or what i will be. All is well beneath the sheets and behind the steam rising from the mug.

But when the mug is empty, reality must be confronted. I am in need of a shave, some breakfast and some severe psychotherapy. I am wasting what is supposed to be the best few years of my life debating the fundamentals of my identity. I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent. I feel like a husk: the broken shell of a veteran of life and i have barely left the start. Is this a common feeling? Are we all this disenchanted? If we are, why hold up the veneer of a happy life? If not, what am i missing and why won’t anyone assist?

And i am tired of rhetoric.

I feel genderless in the worst way. I have no desire to be either. My apathy will be the end of me. I feel no pull from either male or female sides of myself. I desperately wish i could just fit the binary. Is that cowardly of me? Should i push and strive to be an individual outside of what society accepts? What if i am too scared? As bad as it sounds i would like a comfortable life. I want to be accepted as who i am but if i can’t find acceptance i am not strong enough to push for it. I could easily live as a woman or a man. I admire those who sit between and fend off those who criticise and mock.

I hate myself for not being strong enough to break out of the dichotomy. Perhaps it will happen in time. I crave adventure in nearly all other aspects of my life. If adrenaline is not stampeding through my veins i feel like i am not really living. Yet i cannot stand up for myself and take control when it comes to my gender.

I am starting a fresh term at university. Perhaps this could be a turning point. Perhaps i have used the word ‘perhaps’ too often in this entry. Unknowns and possibilities are all that i have.

Perhaps i need another dose of hot drink and blankets…

x

Her friends talk on corners

Returning to university has been postponed. My escape has been blocked and now i am huddled in a corner alone. I just have to wait.

The past few days i spent lying in my bed thinking very hard. Between dreams and blackness my mind found time to think of my future in all its respects. Where will my gender go? What impact will that have? Where will my degree get me? What can i do? It is really a time to define who i am so that i can live out my life as that person.

I see myself as a cloud of uncertainty. It would be egotistical of me to say that i am a cloud of potential, but the potential can be for both bad and good. I branch out and try things too see if my cloud will fit that mold. I feel that i need to settle into a shape before i can properly live out anything from study to relationships. I fail at everything if i am not a real shape. Clouds just drift unhappily through life till they break and fall on someone.

After an inordinate amount of reading and talking to those that know, i have come to several conclusions about my situation. I do not feel the same way about myself as most post-op women that i know. They knew all the way along. They had no doubts. They didn’t hide their femininity, they just thought it was the norm. When i was young i was very aware that i had to hide what i felt for fear of ridicule. They didn’t feel the purges and lapses that i get so often. I one day i want to be a woman so much that it hurts. Another day i will feel so uncertain about the whole thing that i will just sit and cry.

I cannot hope to transition until i either sort this out, or accept that i will never full be a woman and that i should be a male. I can explore the boundaries of my gender, but from the male side of the Great Divide.

I also know that the female feelings inside of me will never die even though they are not as strong as a fully trans woman’s. In response to this i will feel compelled to crossdress from time to time but not as a horny transvestite. I have no desire to sit in a bra and panties and jerk off to porn. I am still a woman; just not full time. When presenting as Alice i will still expect to be treated as a woman even though we all know that it is a temporary arrangement.

I have taken a liking to the term ‘gender illusionist’. Being a totally normal male but having the ability to transform into a woman at the drop of a hat. A convincing one at that. I do not wish to be in the closet. If i am not to be a full time woman, i will not hide what i do. It is a part of me and always will be.

I am not dashing my hopes of a full transition, i am just laying a safety net for myself should i fall. The idea of getting rid of my shame between my legs is still rather appealing. The difference between me and girls that have transitioned, is that i don’t mind being a boy; i would just prefer being a girl.

I always have the future to transition should i decide that it is appropriate. I am saddened that the older i get, the less time i will have spent as who i am. The older i get, the less successful my transition will be, but i can’t live as a cloud. I will try and enjoy my life as described above, but should it fail i have the option to transition later. Make the most of now so that i don’t regret my time as a boy if i decide to change.

Well, sorry for such a long post. I got carried away. Just a quick thanks to people on here that comment and encourage me to write more. Lynn Jones for her advice and sharp mind. Alison for her balanced arguments and breadth of knowledge. Snowdropexplodes for always being there reading. And everyone else for reading about me. This blog keeps me going.

xx

Battle with the red queen.

Things will change. The direction is uncertain, but the magnitude of the event will not be small.

I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Chicago thinking heavily about what is to come. A plan is formulating in my mind. I have yet to commit it to paper but that will happen soon enough. Hopefully, if i follow all the steps in the scheme, i will have happiness of a sort in whatever shape my body ends up in. My time in America is being documented, but in paper form. There is a girl who needs to read it more than anyone else. If she allows me, i will put it up here, but later.

I have been having lots of thoughts about lots of things. This is a difficult time but it feels slightly productive. By the end of the summer, a path will have been chosen and then all i will have to do it walk down it. I could run, but it depends on how nice the road is. I will have plans for each eventuality. Some more extreme than the others. Some that people won’t agree with, not even those close to me and who support me in what i am doing. They may have difficulty understanding why some stages of the plans are necessary. They are just things that need to be done for me to feel like i can continue.

Having a course makes things a little easier in my mind, but it still leaves a significant amount of unrest. Different unrest.

The plans may be published on this blog, but i may want to keep them to myself and only tell you when they have been done. I will decide later.

I miss people from home that made me feel better about being myself but being in a strange place is liberating. I spent all day practising my girl walk. All smiles. I may get it yet.

I hope to update soon.

xx

Start of the holidays

University is more of a holiday than anything else. You are surrounded by your friends, you do the things that you want to do, and you are away from your parents. 

The Easter break was not a holiday for me. I did not enjoy myself. I sat in my room slowly rotting while waiting for the day to end. It was a most unpleasant experience and i am not looking forward to the summer holidays.

My thoughts about being Alice have been very mixed. I haven’t dressed up for a long while even when i have had many opportunities to do so. I have been trying to think of a explanation but nothing comes to mind. Perhaps i am coming to accept the fact that i will never be a convincing girl so i may as well try and be an ok boy. Since i have been open about having gender dysphoria, i have been distanced from ‘normal’ people. This could be because they find it difficult to talk to someone who they know nothing about and could be frightened of. Or, it could be because i am avoiding doing thing that i think of as boyish, and as such people don’t want to be seen with me because i am not being a boy. I am fairly sure that it is a combination of both of these points, but there is one way in which it can be solved.

If i give up trying to be a girl until i am stable and settled, could i be happier? Would having friends counter the horrible feeling of living a lie?

I feel experimentation is needed. It is too late to win favor in my classes. They already know me as the quiet and strange one. I have a plan.

I cut my hair, buy a wig, and return to being Alice in my own time. I could share her with some very close friends, but otherwise she would remain hidden. I could hide it from everyone who didn’t need to know. Even a girl friend (if i ever get one) wouldn’t need to know. If i get a boy friend, i would probably tell him, but i don’t seem to be very popular in the gay community. I mean people like me, but they wouldn’t consider going out with me, or even kissing me.

I feel very young again. I feel like i have never been kissed or been with anyone. I feel like starting again would be a real step backwards and i am afraid of it.

Coming out was very difficult. Going through it again would be traumatic.

It is likely that i will get very drunk tonight and end up being miserable. Sad times for all.

xx

The clouded future

And so, after a long break, i return to my blog.

Thank you to all who have been visiting during my absence. I hope i will not disappoint you in posts to come.

I am about to get in the bath, relax and wash. Then i will wax my legs, shave my other parts and try out my new outfit. I have been very confused in my thoughts over the past few months and it has had a severe detrimental effect on my life. I have been sitting alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. The loneliness is extremely difficult for me to cope with. I know that if i cut my hair and become a boy again, i will rarely be alone. I will be liked and not avoided like some virulent disease. Sadly, such an option involves me lying to myself and returning to the internal pain of a few years ago.

Is the emotional turmoil or not telling anyone my secret worse than the emotional hell of having no friends because i am trying to be true to myself? (Rhetoric)

Lily is coming to stay tomorrow and i am going to try and be as much of a girl around her as i feel comfortable to do. I fear her coming because we have been fighting and we are both still raw. Luckily, we both need each other to survive, so things should work out.

We plan to take some nice photos of me as a girl so you can expect goodies.

I plan to provide an update tomorrow, or on monday regarding lily’s stay.

x

Tueday’s dressing

Apologies for not posting in a while (i wonder how many blog entries start in this manner…)

This have been up and down as usual. Tuesday evening contained the highest frequency of transgender related thoughts, so it is that which i shall document now.

I hadn’t had a very good day so my mood wasn’t amazingly high. All i wanted to do was get back home to dress up as Alice. I longed for the comfort of a skirt and the warmth of a corset. The clinging niceness of tights and the heart-stopping feeling whenever i caught myself in the mirror.

I was desperate to try on the outfit i had bought with lily the weekend before. We had spent a glorious day together (the details of which i am not going to record here for the sakes of public decency ).

I shaved, showered and prepared myself. The symbolic act of cleansing myself before i become a girl is not lost on me. I rid myself of the traces of boy on me so that i may pass through the dividing hedge unnoticed.

I started with my underwear. Cute black panties, a plain black bra and some dark tights. Over the tights i put some beautiful hold-ups. I had to wear them over tights because my legs have not been hairless for a while. This is partly due to apathy and partly due to lack of opportunity to dress up. Next came my new favourite skirt. Then a white t-shirt covered by a new cardigan.

The plan was to go out later to a party, so i didn’t put any make-up on for fear of it smudging or running. I checked myself and took a breath. I opened my door and walked slowly into the foyer where the rest of my block had gathered before leaving. I went generally unnoticed. Some said that what i was wearing was not perhaps appropriate for the occasion. For some reason this really upset me. I was in the wrong mood for anything and i was already very tense. I just broken down and headed back to my room to change into more manly clothes. I sat on my bed and wept for a while.

I ended up going out in boy clothes and having a really rotten time. I had hoped that if i tried really hard to be a boy, i could perhaps find a nice girl with whom i could find cheap happiness. Naturally this didn’t happen. I got home and put on my nightie and cried myself to sleep.

/emo blog/

Everyone needs to see this

I saw it some time ago but lost it. This is a new version and it makes me cry every time.

I have some photos and stories to upload later so please come back

Events and mist

Since i last posted…

• My brother left
• I saw lily
• Lily came to father’s
• We cried
• We had interesting, wild sex
• We talked and cried
• We went ice skating
• She left
• I was cold
• I went back to school
• I messed things up with Laura
• I saw old friends
• I got stranded in the cold
• I wore my corset
• I hid my clothes from father
• He told me of his girlfriend

London is covered with mist this evening. It looks wonderful. I can see out to the river and all the Victorian cobbles are illuminated by archaic street lamps. I expect a Dickensian villain to round the corner to face a tall man with a pipe accompanied by his good doctor. The night has a mystical feel to it and i feel as if i could be anyone in this masquerade of an evening. Sadly father is still against me wearing anything female so i have to be Alice in my head for a while. I apply the slightest of make up so to avoid his detection.

I have felt very down recently because i have not been able to dress at all. This ban will be lifted after Christmas when i will go up to mother’s. I feel very excited about the release of pent-up femininity i feel.

Tomorrow i shall meet up with many of my friends of old and i am not sure what to do. Should i go as my new Alice, or be who they know? The surprise my put many of them off me. I fear judgement although i know it should not affect me.

I am struggling to write my book, but inspiration will come. You will see.

x

Acceptance?

Yesterday was strange indeed.

All the girls from our block had gone home for the weekend and the lads decided to have a ‘man-weekend’ which was just drinking and doing silly things. I was dreading it. Being the only girl left [and not a real girl either] it was a bit intimidating. I awoke extremely late and opened my books to write an essay i have to do before the weekend is over. Naturally i got distracted by the internets. This lasted until about 1700hrs at which point we made the trek to a different hall to eat.

When we arrived i realised that i had forgotten the appropriate ID that i needed. I doubted they would let me eat without one so i borrowed one of my friend’s alternative identity cards. It didn’t work so i left the dinning hall and walked solemnly home. I was fairly upset. I wasn’t sure why. Being refused to eat because i hadn’t brought my card should make me feel this upset. I think there was some other underlying issue that was being brought to the fore because of this trigger.

When i got home i found my card but i really didn’t want to return and eat there so i got out one of my microwave meals that i have stored away.

‘Fuck it!’

I went to my room and sobbed. I hadn’t worn a skirt properly since i had left home over 5 weeks ago. When i was at home i was basically living full time.

Some while later after a swift but incomplete recovery, Jim suggested the we all dress up. Naturally this sounded like a great idea. The costume was to be posh things. I didn’t have a suit with me so i gleefully decided to put a nice skirt on and my corset.

Twas a pleasure indeed. I didn’t have time to put very much make up on but everyone was impressed anyway. We thought it would be comical to walk round our local supermarket dressed up. Jim was in a top hat and tailcoat and most of the others were in suits. I put my 5″ heels on and we made the trek. All 15 of us. It was one of the funniest things i have seen in a long while. We looked like we were all going to a wedding. We walked around the superstore in our best clothing and attracted all manner of stares. It was great. We finally bought some discounted cheese and left. They never knew what hit them.

Here are some photos of the event.

When we got back to our block, we had a massive pillow fight. About 50 people convened in the centre of the quad and beat the shit out of each other. It was the best fun i had had in a long while. What made it extra good was the fact that i was stil wearing a skirt. It just felt so natural. I loved every moment of it. I was being me, but in a skirt and nobody was saying anything about it.

When the fight was over and we sat in the foyer, i was just treated as normal. It was only the third time i had worn a skirt in front of most of my block and they were really cool with it. I felt accepted. I know there is along way to go, but i am content with how things are going.

P.S. – Thank you for all your comments over the last few weeks, they have been very encouraging. I always sign on here to see if i am loved. I try to reply to most.