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Life is too short to worry about what you should decide. Pick what feels good and go with it. Try not to regret the choice if you could have chosen better, just move on to the next decision and learn from it.
That is all well and good for small choices. Big life changing decisions don’t work like that. One can’t just shake off the fact that you may have ruined all future chances by picking the ‘wrong’ option. You can not just move on from such a decision. Or can you? Should i be casual about the entire thing. If changing my gender is wrong for me, so what? If i have already changed i should live my life out like that. Better than waiting for a choice to be made for me.
But with that logic i am already male in form, why not just live that out? Because i think i would feel happier as a female? Is that worth all the mental turmoil. Would i be happier. I won’t know till i try. If i decide that i can not be happy as a male then i will change, because it will be a second chance. I could be who i wanted and that person could be happy for a change.
I am sorry for just ranting, I hope to post properly later this week but i need to get some things out of my mind. I need to decide soon. I have been saying that for a while now. I need to wait for my appointment with a psychiatrist. Perhaps that will help me work myself out. Time is running out for me. I feel cold.
x
Things will change. The direction is uncertain, but the magnitude of the event will not be small.
I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Chicago thinking heavily about what is to come. A plan is formulating in my mind. I have yet to commit it to paper but that will happen soon enough. Hopefully, if i follow all the steps in the scheme, i will have happiness of a sort in whatever shape my body ends up in. My time in America is being documented, but in paper form. There is a girl who needs to read it more than anyone else. If she allows me, i will put it up here, but later.
I have been having lots of thoughts about lots of things. This is a difficult time but it feels slightly productive. By the end of the summer, a path will have been chosen and then all i will have to do it walk down it. I could run, but it depends on how nice the road is. I will have plans for each eventuality. Some more extreme than the others. Some that people won’t agree with, not even those close to me and who support me in what i am doing. They may have difficulty understanding why some stages of the plans are necessary. They are just things that need to be done for me to feel like i can continue.
Having a course makes things a little easier in my mind, but it still leaves a significant amount of unrest. Different unrest.
The plans may be published on this blog, but i may want to keep them to myself and only tell you when they have been done. I will decide later.
I miss people from home that made me feel better about being myself but being in a strange place is liberating. I spent all day practising my girl walk. All smiles. I may get it yet.
I hope to update soon.
xx
And so, after a long break, i return to my blog.
Thank you to all who have been visiting during my absence. I hope i will not disappoint you in posts to come.
I am about to get in the bath, relax and wash. Then i will wax my legs, shave my other parts and try out my new outfit. I have been very confused in my thoughts over the past few months and it has had a severe detrimental effect on my life. I have been sitting alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. The loneliness is extremely difficult for me to cope with. I know that if i cut my hair and become a boy again, i will rarely be alone. I will be liked and not avoided like some virulent disease. Sadly, such an option involves me lying to myself and returning to the internal pain of a few years ago.
Is the emotional turmoil or not telling anyone my secret worse than the emotional hell of having no friends because i am trying to be true to myself? (Rhetoric)
Lily is coming to stay tomorrow and i am going to try and be as much of a girl around her as i feel comfortable to do. I fear her coming because we have been fighting and we are both still raw. Luckily, we both need each other to survive, so things should work out.
We plan to take some nice photos of me as a girl so you can expect goodies.
I plan to provide an update tomorrow, or on monday regarding lily’s stay.
x
This is my public diary. Very much so. I allow people to read and comment on it. It is a way for me to broadcast my thoughts and find popular opinion on what i am thinking. I like to see what people think. My private diary is quite different. It is similar, but it has a lot more of my non-crossdressing issues in it. It is more of a long rant and an outlet of emotion. I worked out that a string of my lost emotion is not what people want to read. I give you edited highlights. Now i shall give you a less edited piece. I have still taken bits out of it, but not as much as i would normally.
Warning – This post contains lots of love-torn ramblings
On Friday night, i got a bit drunk. This is a fairly standard activity for people of my age range, but this time i decided (in my drunken wisdom) to tell everyone about myself. In horrific detail.
We were playing a game which involves telling each other the fun and interesting things we had done. The more drunk i got, the more i was prepared to reveal.
By the end of the evening i had told everyone that i was planning on going on hormones and that i would be spending more and more times dressed as a woman. Most people reacted very well to my revelations. Nobody was full of hate (although some people had many misunderstandings). Had i been sober, i would have been rather full of joy that i had finally told people.
Later that evening we went out to a club and i was dressed as Alice. This was a wonderfully freeing experience because everyone was treating me as a girl. It was like having a dream come true. Unfortunately i passed out on the bus on the way to the club, so i have very few recollections after that.
Lessons learned from the evening’s festivities?
- Don’t drink when you intend to give away important details about your life.
- Alcohol spoils a good night out if you have too much.
- Drinking makes you forget good times.
- Being honest is for when you are sober.
This is not to say that i will stop drinking. I am a student, the concept of being sober strikes fear into my very being. I will however, cut down when i am going through emotional times.
I am sorry for the poor quality of this entry. I shall improve it drastically in the next one. Forgive my writing style at the moment, but my mind is elsewhere. Stay with me and i promise i shall return to my good writings again .
The experiment begins today. I shall live as a female for an entire week. As unimpressive as this sounds, i feel i could be a real challenge for me. Also a great joy. This is the last week before i depart for university and i don’t know how long it will be before i can dress again. This is my last change and i wish to get the most out of it.
There is a transgender society at uni, but i am worried about the demography of those that will attend and the possible stigma associated with attending myself. All will be revealed. This week i shall take more photos. I have little or nothing to be doing so i shall attempt to pose for your viewing pleasure. Since i posted the first photo, i have had a 100% increase in views to my blog. I am flattered and can only hope that i shall see a similar increase with each photo added.
Yesterday, (22nd september) I drove my brother to his university in Wales. The road was long and dull. It gave me alot of time to think about my own issues and although i came to many a conclusion, i can remember very few of them. For this reason i shall only write them here when i can remember most of them.
Lily sent me a lovely letter. It was a classic love letter. I opened the suitably bulky envelope and emptied the contents onto my bed. There were sequins, petals of a most beautiful flower, stones and other shiny miscellanea. The letter was inscribed with red pen on pink paper that was scented with her perfume. That was enough to make me smile. I read it through and sat back and cried for a while. She loves me so much. To have such a consummate and reciprocated love is a rare and beautiful thing. It seems that the closer i come to leaving for uni, the more in love i fall. Balls….
more later
x
