Autumn is my favorite season. There is just so much more symbolism to enjoy and contemplate as you walk from place to place. Crunching leaves of the deepest gold and wearing a scarf for the first time in many months.
I like it because it is cold yet still feels like summer. I know it will get colder but right now, i can feel the sun on my face.
I am no closer to coming to a conclusion about myself. I still wait upon an appointment from London. Socially i am still failing. Should i just give up and accept that this is the way i am? I could wait and see if being middle aged suits me best. So far adolescence has been less than kind.
I wish i could write more. I have applied to my local newspaper so that i may have more structured writing to do creatively. Essays do not count. I enjoy linguistics: it is mind reading on a basic level. What a person thinks will have an effect on their choice of words be it conscious or unconscious. If you pay close enough attention to the words and how they are spoken in context, you can understand a great deal about the person and their mental processes.
By reading back what i have written, i hope to gaze into my own mind and search the cavernous halls within. The feedback also gives me multiple angles on things that may have escaped my attention.
For example, the word ‘escaped’ in the line above can be interpreted in many different ways. I may feel like physically or mentally leaving. I may feel like it is my attention that has escaped. Perhaps i crave more reinforcement of my believes so i implore you by having the words ‘escaped’ and ‘feedback’ in the same line so that you may pity me more.
I am sure you understand where i am going with this.
If i write more, i will understand more. The more that i understand, the happier i will feel about living as the person i choose.
Tell me if i am making a mistake.
4 comments
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October 15, 2008 at 1:12 am
Jolie Porter
well, writing more is definitely a step to learning more about yourself and developing yourself. but a newspaper doesn’t quite seem like the outlet you need to express yourself fully. you would be playing by someone else’s rules, so to speak. i see you have a blog.
do you ever try to write day by day accounts of your life? i find that what i find interesting in my own life translates as such, and is doted on more. it develops your sense of humor and demeanor as well as your ability.
October 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Rob
I think writing can be cathartic, but often only when you decide the subject matter. Personally I don’t blog about personal things, it just isn’t me, which isn’t to say I’ll always feel that way.
I do remember spending a large part of my life trying to find out what I was, and looking for other people like me, and never actually finding them. Instead I’ve had to settle for knowing that I share similarities with various groups, with which I can move between.
Yet, many years on, I still haven’t found anywhere I really belong.
October 15, 2008 at 1:06 pm
SnowdropExplodes
“Should i just give up and accept that this is the way i am?”
I think for many people “giving up” is the antithesis of accepting the way they are, and I certainly feel that is the case for you. Sadly, the way society is at the moment, in order to accept the way we are requires a struggle against what society tells us we “should” be, and that’s the struggle I have seen in your blog since I started reading.
I think writing more is a very good way to go in order to connect with yourself. Write for fun or for profit, for yourself or for an audience, it’s all good!
BTW, have you heard of “National Write a Novel Month” (NaWriNoMo)? Give it a google, maybe it would be just what you need?
October 15, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Lynn Jones
I find writing – and to some extent reading – an escape. I wonder if it’s the same for you too?
If you’re unhappy with where you are now, is the writing taking you away? If so, is writing more keeping you from resolving the problem? Are you going over the same old ground or are you having little breakthroughs that make it all worthwhile?
No advice. Just lots of questions.