I have the internet once more.
After several calls for the kettle to be put one, i can hear the sweet chimes of mugs being carelessly placed on the kitchen top. Soon all will be well. I can curl up in my bed with my laptop, a blanket and a warm mug. From this fortress i hide from the world. Here it doesn’t matter who i am or what i will be. All is well beneath the sheets and behind the steam rising from the mug.
But when the mug is empty, reality must be confronted. I am in need of a shave, some breakfast and some severe psychotherapy. I am wasting what is supposed to be the best few years of my life debating the fundamentals of my identity. I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent. I feel like a husk: the broken shell of a veteran of life and i have barely left the start. Is this a common feeling? Are we all this disenchanted? If we are, why hold up the veneer of a happy life? If not, what am i missing and why won’t anyone assist?
And i am tired of rhetoric.
I feel genderless in the worst way. I have no desire to be either. My apathy will be the end of me. I feel no pull from either male or female sides of myself. I desperately wish i could just fit the binary. Is that cowardly of me? Should i push and strive to be an individual outside of what society accepts? What if i am too scared? As bad as it sounds i would like a comfortable life. I want to be accepted as who i am but if i can’t find acceptance i am not strong enough to push for it. I could easily live as a woman or a man. I admire those who sit between and fend off those who criticise and mock.
I hate myself for not being strong enough to break out of the dichotomy. Perhaps it will happen in time. I crave adventure in nearly all other aspects of my life. If adrenaline is not stampeding through my veins i feel like i am not really living. Yet i cannot stand up for myself and take control when it comes to my gender.
I am starting a fresh term at university. Perhaps this could be a turning point. Perhaps i have used the word ‘perhaps’ too often in this entry. Unknowns and possibilities are all that i have.
Perhaps i need another dose of hot drink and blankets…
x
7 comments
Comments feed for this article
October 7, 2008 at 5:30 am
Anonymous
I don’t remember “the best time of my life”. I think I skipped it. If I had a spot of life to re-live, I think it would be my mid 20s. A Job, finally money. Living without my parents.
Never my adolescents. Never as a starving student.
October 7, 2008 at 5:35 am
whenhopeislostnothingremains
Hey Alice,
Just like you, I do not feel a pull from either side.
Although I consider myself male, there’s no denying there’s something definately feminine inside of me as well.
And since recently I do not try to deny that feminine side anymore.
I consider myself to be BOTH masculin and feminine really.
Male in phyical appearance (and no desire to change that) and psychologically both genders.
Like you I need adrenaline, I like the “guy” things like martial arts, going to pubs (and behaving “male”), have bad manners sometimes, have a 2-3 day beard…
But at the same time I am softer, listen to others better, listen to my feelings more than males, write poems, am addicted to shopping (;-) )etc…
I guess the world isn’t used to people who blurr the gender lines…
Too bad. They’ll have to live with us…
Keep up your writing… I’m one of your regular readers, even if I don’t comment that often…
Bye,
WHILNR
October 7, 2008 at 8:20 am
Anonymous
as alwasy, great portrayal of yur inner feelings,
I need to talk to you though, I remember yur old yahoo name consisted of “lemonade boy” or maybe “the girl without” as well. I would like to chat with you… a few Ideas I have rattling around in my head could help both of us
mezimomo@gmail.com
October 7, 2008 at 7:19 pm
SheenV
Yes, those are some very difficult choices to make. I can’t offer any real advice other than pick an option and go with it. You’ll either find that it was the right or the wrong decision soon enough. Either way, you will have acted upon it, rather than just standing on the edge of the diving board and not moving. How many times do people say “I wish I had known then what I know now?” For good or bad, making a decision and acting upon it is the only way to learn.
October 9, 2008 at 12:38 am
Lucy Tolliday
Bed, laptop, mug sounds delightful.
I love your writing style, and hope you find some measure of peace. No advice, again, there is often no right or wrong answer, just be yourself (does that last bit count as advice?)
October 10, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Lynn Jones
> debating the fundamentals of my identity.
You and many others, Alice. I seem to recall my mates going through a similar process in their 20s.-Okay, not the whole TG thing, but the quest for who they where, who they could be and what they wanted. You get through it.
University is a big change. You’re an adult not a teenager. You’re away from home and despite people trying to re-invent themselves, a clean sheet if you will, there’s a hell of a lot of conformity.
BTW, there’s no classes to take to become an adult, you get dropped in the pool and you swim…. or not. Some people rise to the challenge and some don’t. I’m pretty sure you could name some names
Take care and hang on in there. Oh and advice: a hot beverage is the answer
> I read that one is supposed to be carefree and innocent
I read that lemon opaques are a good look with red shoes. Don’t believe everything you read.
October 15, 2008 at 9:51 pm
bentcrude
please consider doing the interview on http://excloset.wordpress.com
love the way you write