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Life is too short to worry about what you should decide. Pick what feels good and go with it. Try not to regret the choice if you could have chosen better, just move on to the next decision and learn from it.
That is all well and good for small choices. Big life changing decisions don’t work like that. One can’t just shake off the fact that you may have ruined all future chances by picking the ‘wrong’ option. You can not just move on from such a decision. Or can you? Should i be casual about the entire thing. If changing my gender is wrong for me, so what? If i have already changed i should live my life out like that. Better than waiting for a choice to be made for me.
But with that logic i am already male in form, why not just live that out? Because i think i would feel happier as a female? Is that worth all the mental turmoil. Would i be happier. I won’t know till i try. If i decide that i can not be happy as a male then i will change, because it will be a second chance. I could be who i wanted and that person could be happy for a change.
I am sorry for just ranting, I hope to post properly later this week but i need to get some things out of my mind. I need to decide soon. I have been saying that for a while now. I need to wait for my appointment with a psychiatrist. Perhaps that will help me work myself out. Time is running out for me. I feel cold.
x
Gender is yellow, or so i am informed.
Waiting to return to university is difficult. All i do it wait. Day by day, i sit in my chair and gnaw off inessential body parts to cure my boredom. The internet is only so good at keeping me occupied. It just serves as a reminder or how little i have to do till i return. Soon i will be at university, surrounded by friends with the freedom and motivation to do and dress as i please.
Motivation is often forgotten by me when talking about my gender. At times like this when i have every opportunity to dress up and play around the house all day, i don’t. I can not be motivated enough to do what will make me happy. I need things to be doing. I need a purpose to be happy and be what i feel. I need to be going out to meet people, or taking photos, or performing a worthy task for me to be motivated enough to be myself. Otherwise i wake up in the morning, throw on some jeans and sit in front of my computer. I am still genderqueer in my mind, but my body doesn’t seem to matter at this point. Everything is so dull and gray that putting on a skirt to match my mind seem futile.
I just hope things will be better when i get back to uni and once again have my freedom and busy week.
x
Returning to university has been postponed. My escape has been blocked and now i am huddled in a corner alone. I just have to wait.
The past few days i spent lying in my bed thinking very hard. Between dreams and blackness my mind found time to think of my future in all its respects. Where will my gender go? What impact will that have? Where will my degree get me? What can i do? It is really a time to define who i am so that i can live out my life as that person.
I see myself as a cloud of uncertainty. It would be egotistical of me to say that i am a cloud of potential, but the potential can be for both bad and good. I branch out and try things too see if my cloud will fit that mold. I feel that i need to settle into a shape before i can properly live out anything from study to relationships. I fail at everything if i am not a real shape. Clouds just drift unhappily through life till they break and fall on someone.
After an inordinate amount of reading and talking to those that know, i have come to several conclusions about my situation. I do not feel the same way about myself as most post-op women that i know. They knew all the way along. They had no doubts. They didn’t hide their femininity, they just thought it was the norm. When i was young i was very aware that i had to hide what i felt for fear of ridicule. They didn’t feel the purges and lapses that i get so often. I one day i want to be a woman so much that it hurts. Another day i will feel so uncertain about the whole thing that i will just sit and cry.
I cannot hope to transition until i either sort this out, or accept that i will never full be a woman and that i should be a male. I can explore the boundaries of my gender, but from the male side of the Great Divide.
I also know that the female feelings inside of me will never die even though they are not as strong as a fully trans woman’s. In response to this i will feel compelled to crossdress from time to time but not as a horny transvestite. I have no desire to sit in a bra and panties and jerk off to porn. I am still a woman; just not full time. When presenting as Alice i will still expect to be treated as a woman even though we all know that it is a temporary arrangement.
I have taken a liking to the term ‘gender illusionist’. Being a totally normal male but having the ability to transform into a woman at the drop of a hat. A convincing one at that. I do not wish to be in the closet. If i am not to be a full time woman, i will not hide what i do. It is a part of me and always will be.
I am not dashing my hopes of a full transition, i am just laying a safety net for myself should i fall. The idea of getting rid of my shame between my legs is still rather appealing. The difference between me and girls that have transitioned, is that i don’t mind being a boy; i would just prefer being a girl.
I always have the future to transition should i decide that it is appropriate. I am saddened that the older i get, the less time i will have spent as who i am. The older i get, the less successful my transition will be, but i can’t live as a cloud. I will try and enjoy my life as described above, but should it fail i have the option to transition later. Make the most of now so that i don’t regret my time as a boy if i decide to change.
Well, sorry for such a long post. I got carried away. Just a quick thanks to people on here that comment and encourage me to write more. Lynn Jones for her advice and sharp mind. Alison for her balanced arguments and breadth of knowledge. Snowdropexplodes for always being there reading. And everyone else for reading about me. This blog keeps me going.
xx
