My physical body is a mess.
I do not look after it. This is for a few reasons. Firstly i am not sure what i want from it. Do i want to be the skinny girl shape? Will that even work with my basic male shape? Do i want to be a skinny effeminate male? Do i want to be a fit, moderately muscular young bi man? The latter is the easiest for me to active. I have been fit before and i know what i can do to regain it.
When going through puberty i was very fit. Always doing things and getting out and about. Not actively getting fit, it was more a by-product of me having fun. As a result i was a fairly attractive male growing up. Then i threw this upon myself. I though that i was not meant to be that so i relapsed. I stopped everything. I sat and did nothing to avoid looking so male.
I will have to decide soon what i want.
Soon.
Will i be happy living as a effeminate bisexual male who occasionally dressed up as a girl to go out. Do i need more as a person to live content? Do i need to physically change my body in order to live with a sense of well being? Lots of questions need answering and the only one who can do that is myself.
I do not think i could ever go back in the closet. I am openly confused. Hiding it when i was younger was very painful. Now pain comes from the pressure to decide to fit into a binary gender system. Is the pressure imagined? Possibly; i do have a warped view of most of the world (as acquaintances of mine will testify). It will be difficult. But if i do change, i want it to be sooner rather than later. I want to live my live as who i am meant to be. Sitting in the decision place is not where i want to be for the rest of my life.
Get me out. Help me decide. In 50 years time i have no plan to look back and wish that i had done the other thing. If i choose i have to stick to it and be happy. When i decide i cannot look back. It would remind me of the indecision and the pain that comes with it. Being either male or female later in life, i do not want to feel like i have wasted my time pretending.
This will affect everything. Absolutely everything. My choice will not just be life changing, but it will be shattering, burning and rebuilding of everything i know.
Where will i go?
The rabbit hole is open. Would Alice have been better off not going to Wonderland?
5 comments
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August 30, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Lynn Jones
> Get me out. Help me decide. In 50 years time
> i have no plan to look back and wish that i
> had done the other thing.
Dare I say we’re probably not the people you should be asking.
Aren’t we likely to egg you on and say ‘yeah, you go girl’ and all that? Well… I’m not going to. 
What I will say is that the decision needs to be yours. You can read 1000 comments and spent hours with email or IRC, but ultimately, it’s the vote in your heart (or head) that counts, not what we think.
If you really want my advice, go and find a specialist who can help you work out what you want. It may be a long process but don’t you want to be sure? You can live in limbo for a bit, lots of TG people do. You don’t have to 0 or 1. Mind you, that’s a bit rich coming from me.
For the record, in my teens I thought I wanted transition, but I realise now that I didn’t. What I wanted was to be able to be ‘me’ once in a while and be comfortable with this quirk (or aspect) of my personality. The first bit was easy, the self-acceptance was by far the hardest part of the journey.
Whatever you decide to do, you will have regrets at some point. It’s part of being human. We can’t ignore the “what if I’d done…” arguments. It keeps us curious.
Just my .02 cents
Take care,
Lynn
x
August 31, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Rachel
Hi Alice ,just wanted to say it sounds like you already know what you want and you’re asking us for our opinion. Either way it wont be easy for you but with good friends around you can live how you want .
August 31, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Rachel
Hi Alice ,just wanted to say it sounds like you already know what you want and you’re asking us for our opinion. Either way it wont be easy for you but with good friends around you can live how you want . Love,Rachel
September 2, 2008 at 12:45 am
Alison
As Lynn mentioned above, it truly is your decision. If the majority of responses tell you to do one thing, you may feel that it wasn’t the right choice.
Now, of course that doesn’t mean you have to take on this monumental decision all by yourself, getting feedback and adbice and simply talking about these things with other people will definitely help you make your decision, but in the end it does simply come down to you.
That being said, I’d also like to point out that you don’t HAVE to fit into a “binary gender system.” You can sit comfortably enough in the middle, you just have to be comfortable with yourself. Different people will do different things, will sit at different areas on the… gender spectrum. Truly the hardest part is just becoming comfortable with who you are, and how far you want to take everything. (Hmm, that doesn’t sound quite right to me… but it’s the only way I can think of saying that bit)
When I was younger I had considered a full transition… but I realized it wasn’t for me, I wouildn’t be happy like that. But at the same time, I just couldn’t stop doing it all together. So I sat back, talked with a couple of my closest friends, and I thought things over. I thought about it for a couple months, and I realized where I wanted to sit, where I wanted to be.
So take your time with this decision, mold your body the way you feel best, but keep it somewhere in between the two choices so when you finally feel confident enough to go through with one, it’s not that difficult to do so.
And finally, everyone has regrets for something, everyone constantly goins through the “what if?” mentality. And it’s annoying, and painful to do so because then you are left thinking and wondering how things could be if you had just made a different choice. The key is not to ask these questions, and if you do, don’t dwell on them because nothing is going to change the past, all you can do is learn from it to have a better future.
The best of luck to you my Dear, and remember, make the decision based on what YOUR heart and mind tell you, not everyone else.
Love,
Alison
September 18, 2008 at 3:44 am
Michael
“I want to live my live as who i am meant to be. Sitting in the decision place is not where i want to be for the rest of my life.”
Just found your blog and think it’s very interesting.
I wanted to make a comment about what you said in the quote above.
Here is the truth. You are “meant” to be whatever it is you choose to be. This idea that you are meant to be one or the other is based on our societies as a whole.
Be who you are. Even if that means one gender sometimes and another at other times. Whatever you find the most comfort in at a given time. It can be a fluid thing.