Clowns to the left of me

My physical body is a mess.

I do not look after it. This is for a few reasons. Firstly i am not sure what i want from it. Do i want to be the skinny girl shape? Will that even work with my basic male shape? Do i want to be a skinny effeminate male? Do i want to be a fit, moderately muscular young bi man? The latter is the easiest for me to active. I have been fit before and i know what i can do to regain it.

When going through puberty i was very fit. Always doing things and getting out and about. Not actively getting fit, it was more a by-product of me having fun. As a result i was a fairly attractive male growing up. Then i threw this upon myself. I though that i was not meant to be that so i relapsed. I stopped everything. I sat and did nothing to avoid looking so male.

I will have to decide soon what i want.

Soon.

Will i be happy living as a effeminate bisexual male who occasionally dressed up as a girl to go out. Do i need more as a person to live content? Do i need to physically change my body in order to live with a sense of well being? Lots of questions need answering and the only one who can do that is myself.

I do not think i could ever go back in the closet. I am openly confused. Hiding it when i was younger was very painful. Now pain comes from the pressure to decide to fit into a binary gender system. Is the pressure imagined? Possibly; i do have a warped view of most of the world (as acquaintances of mine will testify). It will be difficult. But if i do change, i want it to be sooner rather than later. I want to live my live as who i am meant to be. Sitting in the decision place is not where i want to be for the rest of my life.

Get me out. Help me decide. In 50 years time i have no plan to look back and wish that i had done the other thing. If i choose i have to stick to it and be happy. When i decide i cannot look back. It would remind me of the indecision and the pain that comes with it. Being either male or female later in life, i do not want to feel like i have wasted my time pretending.

This will affect everything. Absolutely everything. My choice will not just be life changing, but it will be shattering, burning and rebuilding of everything i know.

Where will i go?

The rabbit hole is open. Would Alice have been better off not going to Wonderland?

Face the wall

Writing as a catharsis?

I wish i could write more. If i felt what i was writing held worth i would probably do it more. I, like every other blogger in the world, would like to write a book at some point in my life. I consider this blog as a practice ground. I can write here without needing to be perfect. Hopefully i will build up a style and beauty of writing enough for it to warrant publication. Enough of this.

I have been thinking that i should change the name of this blog. ‘Being a teenage trans-person’ doesn’t roll off the tongue. It is less recognisable in a search. Suggestions are welcome.

I have been wanting to dress more recently for different reasons than i am used to. I now feel like i want to be a girl as a comfort thing. Like eating ice cream or hugging a pillow, i put on a skirt and make-up. Clearly that is not the only reason i do it. It is merely the trigger that has been pushing me over the last few days. It is interesting how things control our lives. i use the word ‘control’ is a gentle way. Perhaps ‘guide’ would have been more appropriate.

I wish i were musical, then i could express my emotion properly. Sometimes words don’t seem enough and i can’t record my thoughts in a way that satisfies me. Music can bring out much more in the mind.

Does doing performing male actions in a female mind make me any less of a woman?

x

The great cold absence and a photo

Hello everyone. Sorry for running away. It was rude of me.

I am back from the place my mind was in that prevented me from writing. I don’t know where that was but perhaps we can explore it together.

Obviously lots has happened since last we spoke but i can’t write it all here. I will just pretend that you know it and continue with the most recent events.

Last weekend i met up with a very good friend and her friend who were both born male. Such a night i have never had. It is what i imagine living among girls would be like, for they treated me perfectly. Until i have successfully transitioned, it is only really others like me who understand what is going through my mind. They made me feel very comfortable being myself. It took a while to adjust because i am not overly femme much of the time. ‘Makeup, boys and wine’ sums up the evening fairly accurately. There were other things but i would rather not divulge more for fear of upsetting some readers.

Where am i in my thoughts? I am gender confused. I know that i am not male (this is something that i have always felt). I know that i enjoy and feel comfortable as a woman. I know that i have a lot to learn to become a ‘proper woman’. Even if i transition fully, i will still possess certain male traits that i have picked up while being in this body. Does that matter? I know that the process will be long and painful. I know that i could live out a fairly dull and slightly pained life as a hidden male if i wanted to. Do i want to become female enough to warrant SRS? Do i lie to the therapist to get what i want? Does any of that matter? I am who i am regardless of the body i am in. Sadly people will treat you differently depending on the body i am in. I don’t feel male, yet people treat me as one because of my body.

Phew… It is good to get that out of my system.

Comments are very much welcome. I am stuck and i need your support.

xx