Stasis

Here is a time for waiting and thinking.

After this calm, there will be lots of change and emotion. I hope that this time will help me prepare for it but it will be difficult.

If i emerge from this i will be a new person. If that is a good or a bad thing remains to be seen.

Wish me luck.

xx

Battle with the red queen.

Things will change. The direction is uncertain, but the magnitude of the event will not be small.

I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Chicago thinking heavily about what is to come. A plan is formulating in my mind. I have yet to commit it to paper but that will happen soon enough. Hopefully, if i follow all the steps in the scheme, i will have happiness of a sort in whatever shape my body ends up in. My time in America is being documented, but in paper form. There is a girl who needs to read it more than anyone else. If she allows me, i will put it up here, but later.

I have been having lots of thoughts about lots of things. This is a difficult time but it feels slightly productive. By the end of the summer, a path will have been chosen and then all i will have to do it walk down it. I could run, but it depends on how nice the road is. I will have plans for each eventuality. Some more extreme than the others. Some that people won’t agree with, not even those close to me and who support me in what i am doing. They may have difficulty understanding why some stages of the plans are necessary. They are just things that need to be done for me to feel like i can continue.

Having a course makes things a little easier in my mind, but it still leaves a significant amount of unrest. Different unrest.

The plans may be published on this blog, but i may want to keep them to myself and only tell you when they have been done. I will decide later.

I miss people from home that made me feel better about being myself but being in a strange place is liberating. I spent all day practising my girl walk. All smiles. I may get it yet.

I hope to update soon.

xx