Start of the holidays

University is more of a holiday than anything else. You are surrounded by your friends, you do the things that you want to do, and you are away from your parents. 

The Easter break was not a holiday for me. I did not enjoy myself. I sat in my room slowly rotting while waiting for the day to end. It was a most unpleasant experience and i am not looking forward to the summer holidays.

My thoughts about being Alice have been very mixed. I haven’t dressed up for a long while even when i have had many opportunities to do so. I have been trying to think of a explanation but nothing comes to mind. Perhaps i am coming to accept the fact that i will never be a convincing girl so i may as well try and be an ok boy. Since i have been open about having gender dysphoria, i have been distanced from ‘normal’ people. This could be because they find it difficult to talk to someone who they know nothing about and could be frightened of. Or, it could be because i am avoiding doing thing that i think of as boyish, and as such people don’t want to be seen with me because i am not being a boy. I am fairly sure that it is a combination of both of these points, but there is one way in which it can be solved.

If i give up trying to be a girl until i am stable and settled, could i be happier? Would having friends counter the horrible feeling of living a lie?

I feel experimentation is needed. It is too late to win favor in my classes. They already know me as the quiet and strange one. I have a plan.

I cut my hair, buy a wig, and return to being Alice in my own time. I could share her with some very close friends, but otherwise she would remain hidden. I could hide it from everyone who didn’t need to know. Even a girl friend (if i ever get one) wouldn’t need to know. If i get a boy friend, i would probably tell him, but i don’t seem to be very popular in the gay community. I mean people like me, but they wouldn’t consider going out with me, or even kissing me.

I feel very young again. I feel like i have never been kissed or been with anyone. I feel like starting again would be a real step backwards and i am afraid of it.

Coming out was very difficult. Going through it again would be traumatic.

It is likely that i will get very drunk tonight and end up being miserable. Sad times for all.

xx

The clouded future

And so, after a long break, i return to my blog.

Thank you to all who have been visiting during my absence. I hope i will not disappoint you in posts to come.

I am about to get in the bath, relax and wash. Then i will wax my legs, shave my other parts and try out my new outfit. I have been very confused in my thoughts over the past few months and it has had a severe detrimental effect on my life. I have been sitting alone in my room with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. The loneliness is extremely difficult for me to cope with. I know that if i cut my hair and become a boy again, i will rarely be alone. I will be liked and not avoided like some virulent disease. Sadly, such an option involves me lying to myself and returning to the internal pain of a few years ago.

Is the emotional turmoil or not telling anyone my secret worse than the emotional hell of having no friends because i am trying to be true to myself? (Rhetoric)

Lily is coming to stay tomorrow and i am going to try and be as much of a girl around her as i feel comfortable to do. I fear her coming because we have been fighting and we are both still raw. Luckily, we both need each other to survive, so things should work out.

We plan to take some nice photos of me as a girl so you can expect goodies.

I plan to provide an update tomorrow, or on monday regarding lily’s stay.

x