*Ring*

The phone rings. I lift my head off my knees and wipe the tears on my sleeves. The digital display says ‘Lily’.

My heart stops.

I haven’t spoken to lily in such a direct context since we last met. We have not been on any instant message service and have only been using emails. This reminds me horribly of my parents for this is the only way they have spoken to each other for the last few years.

Two seconds have passed and i still haven’t answered the phone. Is she going to be horrible? Is she going to tell me it is too stressful to go on and cease communication altogether? The possibilities of things she could have said are endless. Fine! I shall answer the phone and to hell with the consequences. – I was feeling confident; i was wearing full make up, tights, my favourite panties, new trousers and a nice jumper.

I picked up the phone and held it near my ear…

Pause.        I dare not give any salutations. She gave in first and said ‘hello?’

The conversation that followed is mostly private, but it sorted many things out for me. I have been so low and it lifted me up slightly. I now know her mind and her intentions. It eased my thoughts and let me think of other things.

We have a plan. It is still early days and the outcome is uncertain, but it may work. I want it to work. She shall spend a week with me teaching me everything there is to know about being a woman. After that, i have some decisions to make. Some very important decisions. I am not feeling confident at all, but i hope i will be after Lily has helped me.

She says that she didn’t want to talk about her feelings at the moment. I can see why. I am very upset and worrying about her will not help. But i worry about her anyway.  We shall have talks about her and her mood. I can just hope she will last until i can help her over Christmas when we next meet.

I have begun work on my book, ‘The secret diary of a teenage crossdresser’.  It will be part fiction, part fact. I want to see how well my writing skills have developed. Previews will be on here.

Stay with me. I ain’t been posting much lately, but i mean to. I am still here reading comments and responding.

x

The solitary life of a teenage crossdresser

What follows is full of sadness and may read like an emo child’s blog. For this i am sorry, but i need to get it off my chest. Look forward to more exciting entries later, but have a quick insight first.

Last night i realised some of my emotions and feelings. I have been avoiding them for fear of becoming depressed in a strange world. I wanted everyone to think i was bright and happy, but the façade is cracking.

I have been trying to slowly come out as Alice but it is proving very difficult. I don’t know if it is me who is making it hard or them. I could be putting up a barrier between me and them. They could be doing the same. Either way, things are not going well. I have a solution, but it is painful.

I could just come out entirely and go for it as Alice. This may shock some people and scare them off. I am so afraid of being left alone in this place. If i came out and was abandoned by those i know, i would lose all sense of what i should do. I would be lost and confused, but more importantly, alone.

Back home i was never alone. I thought i was. I did the standard teenage thing of thinking that i was on my own, but looking back i can see that i was well loved by many. I should have made more of it, but i messed up. My depression last year warped my entire perspective of the world. I am sorry to those who i didn’t appriciate properly. I won’t name them all here for fear that i will forget someone. But know that i am sorry.

Last night i dreamt that i passed perfectly as a girl. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I think that only crossdressers and those that love them will understand the feeling i am trying to describe. I woke up smiling which is a very strange occurrence. I wasn’t expecting a nice dream. The previous day had not been a good one. I had felt so solitary.

One of my friends told me that he had spoken to one of the girls on my course. Apparently i was known as the crazy boy that was always alone. There are approximately 200 people in my lectures and i am always alone in them. ‘Why don’t you talk to somebody?’

I am too scared to start a conversation. Everyone has already developed into groups and i wouldn’t want to invade one. I suppose i am waiting for one to take pity on me. It is a selfish position to take but i can’t see any other way. I am too scared of going to any other groups. The girls would all think i am being weird and the guys wouldn’t want me because i ain’t especially ‘cool’.

Things are difficult and i do not think they will improve any time soon.

I have been eating one meal a day and it has being going well but i think i shall have to take it to less than that. For the next few days i am going to try and not eat anything at all. Just drinking water. I need to do it. Only being womanly will make me happy.

I want to write about Lily, but i don’t want to include those thoughts among this unhappy post. Perhaps another time.

x

Today

I am wearing my long skirt and i am plucking my eyebrows. I have been putting it off for too long. But now i need a face shot for my front page. Sadly my eyebrows are huge and not girly at all, so i have decided to sort them out.

I shall post a before and after shot, but this may take all evening.

Expect another post before midnight.

Sigh

I sit alone in my room looking out the window as the incense smoke flows in. I wear my favourite long dress and a nice warm jumper and i think. I get so lost in my thoughts that i can barely describe one of them in any depth. I try and write it down by nothing comes. I tidy and clean and then sit back down.

I listen to some music and draw. This helps, but my ideas and angst just appear on paper. The black swirls on the page just reinforce what is in my head.

More cogent writings later.

A Regression

Last night i wore some new underwear. It is a beautiful pink and black number and i shall upload some photos soon. It is wonderful to have nice underwear. It really makes me feel girly and almost pretty.  I took many photos of myself in it, but none of them turned out how i wanted. It is very upsetting that i look like a man in all of them. I shall take more time over the photos this weekend if i can. They should look very good.

Today i wore some nice panties under my trousers today. This is the eponymous regression.  I have been at the stage of going out in full girl mode and now i am back to hiding under my trousers. It makes me incredibly sad. I don’t know why i lack the confidence that i once had. Hopefully it will build up again.

I realised that i think about crossdressing and my gender problems nearly all the time. I cannot think of an occurrence this week where my mind has been devoid of the thoughts that plague me. It is a fairly unhappy existence which is why i am further pushed to go on hormones.  If i go on hormones, i shall expect to go full time within a few months. This is a very existing prospect.

Anyway, i shall write more later today if anything happens

So cold…

Things have been strange and distant. I don’t really have much to say. I have just being going through life in a very passive role. I haven’t dressed as Alice for a while now and it is really making me sad. To this end, i have decided to try and spent the entire weekend en femme. I shall go to the shops soon and buy some cosmetics as i have run out. I shall pick up my straighteners when i go home this weekend so i shall look slightly less like a man. I may even have some new photos to show.

I shall be seeing both my mother and brother this weekend and it may be the first time my brother will see me in a skirt. I am a bit nervous, but i think he will accept it.

I have been feeling empty and alone for a long time now. I need warmth of others to keep me going. I have isolated myself by being a girl and it is difficult. I could give it up and pretend to be a boy again to win affection, but i mustn’t give up that easily.

Coming out, again.

On Friday night, i got a bit drunk. This is a fairly standard activity for people of my age range, but this time i decided (in my drunken wisdom) to tell everyone about myself. In horrific detail.

We were playing a game which involves telling each other the fun and interesting things we had done. The more drunk i got, the more i was prepared to reveal.

By the end of the evening i had told everyone that i was planning on going on hormones and that i would be spending more and more times dressed as a woman. Most people reacted very well to my revelations. Nobody was full of hate (although some people had many misunderstandings). Had i been sober, i would have been rather full of joy that i had finally told people.

Later that evening we went out to a club and i was dressed as Alice. This was a wonderfully freeing experience because everyone was treating me as a girl. It was like having a dream come true. Unfortunately i passed out on the bus on the way to the club, so i have very few recollections after that.

Lessons learned from the evening’s festivities?

• Don’t drink when you intend to give away important details about your life.
• Alcohol spoils a good night out if you have too much.
• Drinking makes you forget good times.
• Being honest is for when you are sober.

This is not to say that i will stop drinking. I am a student, the concept of being sober strikes fear into my very being. I will however, cut down when i am going through emotional times.

I am sorry for the poor quality of this entry. I shall improve it drastically in the next one. Forgive my writing style at the moment, but my mind is elsewhere. Stay with me and i promise i shall return to my good writings again   .

An appointment with a gay man.

Yesterday, i went to the gay support centre in my city. I was a bit nervous and awoke late. I missed my lectures and rode my bike to the centre of town. The route i took was new to me. It was a beautiful old path, made when the university was still young, for the students to walk to the city centre. Old lamp posts and leaves falling from the tall oaks. The scene was perfect. The road ended in the old town and i began to fall in love with the city. This was a side of it that i hadn’t seen.

I parked my bike and walked to the centre. I was greeted by a classically gay man. Black turtle neck jumper, cute jeans and Italian shoes. The hight of fashion and cool. He took me through the building to some sofas on the top floor where upon he curled up in a corner and we chatted. We talked about what the centre could do to support me during my transition and to help me gain transgendered friends (something which i have been craving for a very long time). I got given various booklets and invited to go to a support group for young gay men. It wasn’t ideal, but it was all they could offer. It was nice to talk to someone who didn’t judge me. He was totally cool with it. I have never met a male who was comfortable chatting in detail about transgender issues.

I cycled home and did very little. I missed dinner as part of my feminising body regime. Some folks wanted to go to another gig in another hall so i went along. I was feeling very down. I am not sure why. I was just really sad and didn’t want to talk to anyone. Jim’s friend came along. She is wonderful, short, clever and totally of no sexual interest to me. Which makes her  perfect for a person in my situation. With Lily not around, i have had nobody to talk to about stuff. Hopefully she will be a decent stand-in. She could be a lesbian which is even more of a benefit. Jim fancies her so i think i will see her enough to try and put the motion forward. She has seen me in a corset and skirt. That is one conversation out of the way. I shall be sure to update you as things progress. If at all.

I miss Lily. Letters are nice. They are the unbreakable ribbon that holds us together. I don’t really like talking about Lily here. It just makes me yearn more. Just know that i still think of her often and i miss having someone who understands me.

I can’t wait to go on hormones…

Skirts in winter?

This is turning out to be a deep winter. I know it is still autumn, but it is freezing already. Last year it was January before such temperatures were reached. What do girls wear in winter?

I have only been in the closet (which was nice and warm) during winter before. Now i am out in the cold and i don’t know what to wear. I lack girl jumpers. And most of the girls are wearing little flat boots which look rather silly. I shall have to do some research to find something that i can wear and still be warm in. Scarfs are always good because they hide the adam’s apple.

The sun is just rising over the university buildings and i am sitting in the library doing research. Out on the table lie four books on the development of gender. I have read most of the theories before, but it is nice to read them in detail. The books are very interesting and i am writing down notes to send to Lily.

I hav’nt written about Lily in a while. I suppose it is because it is a bit painful to remember that she isn’t here. I just try to put it to the back of my mind. We are now only communicating by letters and the occasional text. It is hard going. I crave for more contact and attention. I have had so little support and interesting in my transgender issuses here, that it makes me realise how special she is and how lucky i am for finding someone who likes Alice. We shall not see each other until Christmas. I am looking forward to that time for many reasons. Mainly because we shall be going to a transformation clinic in London. I shall have a two hour make over to make me look perfectly like a woman. I shall be sure to get photos. I am mainly going for the educational aspect of it. I want to see how they turn me into a woman so i can do it for myself.

I have been feeling a bit depressed reacently. The reasons for this havn’t been clear although i suspect it may be due to the severe lack of female attention i have had sinced i joined university. I think that my crossdressing may have scared the majority off, but it usually brings a few more interested folk in… I don’t even want a sexual relationship really. I just want a good friend who will treat me as a girl and who i can tell things to.

*sigh*    It should work out. I shall see how things go in the next few weeks.

A girl’s shape

I had a terrible night’s sleep. I tossed and turned. I awoke several times and when my alarm finally went off, i couldn’t be arsed to go to my lecture. I had a fencing match against Cambridge university later and i didn’t want to be too tired for it. I skipped breakfast and lunch and walked to the sports centre. I clearly missed the times or didn’t get an email. There was nobody there. The entire place was empty.

I was really quite upset. Things weren’t going well and i was feeling upset anyway. I walked slowly back with my head hung low. I was lost in thought. I need to be able to pass well as a girl and after looking at some photos i have taken recently, it just isn’t working. I tried to work out what was wrong. My eyebrows need attending to. They are too thick and any girl with eyebrows like mine would look like a boy. My shoulders are also too large. They scream ‘man’ to anyone who would care to glance at me. Essentially, i need to lose any muscles i have there. I have thought of how i am going to do this.

I joined the university gym. I am going to run for 40 minutes everyday to lose weight and i am only going to have one meal a day. This departure from my normal routine should provide drastic results in a fairly short amount of time. I shall buy some scales so i can make sure it is working.

I would usually encourage comments, but i don’t want people telling me not to stop eating. This is something i feel i need to do and it is not going to be forever. It is also cheaper than surgary and it is going to be a long time before i can go on hormones. You can comment, but only on more general things.

I am so confused right now, i really need to collect my thoughts.

I shall probably write something else later. I will not put up any more photos till i am happy with my body and how i pass. It is a challenge, but it is needed.

Wish me luck

x