You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2007.
Today was another doss day in limbo before i have to go to university. There is nothing to do. I get woken by some old git hammering the floor next door.
I have to wear boy-clothes because of this builder. I am not allowed to ’shock’ him says mother.
These days go so slowly. All i do is lock myself in my room and wear as many outfits as possible. My heels are getting good usage, but i still am struggling to walk in them. I will learn.
I would learn faster if i had free reign of my house!
I will write more when something interesting happens.
x
Today i learned some very strange things about myself. I drove to see Lily after she got back from school and we dressed up as each other. She was a boy and i was a girl. That was an amazing experience. Before, when we were in bed we were lesbians. Now, we had returned to being straight. An odd but nice sensation.
Talking of odd, Lily has all manner of strange fetishes. Many including pain. As an inquisitive intellectual, i felt drawn to investigate these for my self. They are fascinating. She likes being cut and scarre. Although i am a bit squeamish, i wanted to do this task for her, as i knew it would make her happy. I have quite a great fear of blood i have to turn away whenever surgery is shown on TV. She handed me a craft knife and told me to cut anything i wanted. After a practice cut, I decided to carve a crescent mood into the top of her leg. It was only 5cm long, but it must have hurt so much. Lily loved it. She was squirming and moaning with pleasure. This was odd for me. I was scared because i didn’t want to hurt her, but she clearly loved the pain i was giving her. She even said she was getting wet because of it. It was at this point i noticed something that really fucked with my mind.
I had been turned on by cutting into the flesh of Lily. What does that mean!?! Am i a sick pervert? Am i twisted and wrong?
So many things were going through my mind. It is possible that it were her noises had done it, but even so… It really scared me. I clearly didn’t enjoy it as much as she did, but it was still difficult to comprehend.
I squeezed lemon juice into her wound to prevent it from healing for a while and helped to bind it in a bandage. It was a very queer experience.
I shall have to sleep on it to see what my mind brings. I did enjoy it… but what does that mean? Am i free of the social constraints that say i shouldn’t enjoy it? Am i harking back to a time when our hunting instinct was good before it was shut away by Victorian shame? Who knows…
Your thoughts and comment are most welcome.
Today, i am off to see Lily. We are going to have a dressing day. She as a boy and i as a girl. It is going to be amazing. I have never met Jake (her male self) but i am looking forward to it. I want to teach her everything. I want to help her on her way.
As she is learning to crossdress, she is learning more and more about me and how i work. It is great to have someone who will understand you at this level. We shall be taking photos of our outfits and although she may not want me to post her photos here, mine will be here for sure. I am very excited and i shall report later this evening. I must go and get ready.
Have a photo from the last shoot i did [click to enlarge]
Today has been mostly dull. A builder has been round fixing things. I started my week full time. It went very nicely.
I wore my short black skirt and a normal t-shirt. A nice matching underwear set completed the look. I spent most of the day on the internet feeling happy about myself.
Nothing of real interest happened till the evening. Lily and I have decieded to write each other guides on how to be our genders. Lessons and tips on how to be a lady/guy. Things like how to apply make up, how to walk, what to say. It should be very interesting to see and read. Both mine and hers. If you are lucky, i shall put the guides up here for you people.
A very interesting development has just happened. For a dare, i said i would show my bra to a girl i know if she showed me hers. This is on msn over webcams. And she did it!
Good lord it was far too easy. Guys, if you are after a girl, tell her you crossdress the moment you meet her. She will be interested and all over you. If not, then she ain’t worth it. That’s my advice for the day.
More tomorrow.
Last night, Lily and i were having a conversation about her phobia. Phobias are strange things and are useful to show the silliness of the Freudian method of analysis. Lily has an irrational fear of overhead ventilation systems.Air conditioning units inside the doors of modern shops are particularly bad.
We all have fears. I have great difficulty with the dark. This is an irrational fear, because there is nothing to be afraid of. The world is the same in both night and day. Yet at night i cannot walk out of my room without all the lights on. We are both working on resolving our respective fears. The following is not mocking Lily or phobias in general, just the way of interpreting them that i shall show.
Lily has a fear of ventilation systems. Why? Let us see what they do. They blow air out, sometimes through fans. They look like big, dark, round holes in the ceiling. Let us take the appearance first. Freud is all about symbols, so i would say that the hole-like appearance symbolises the opening of the vagina. From this we can assume that Lily fears the vagina. Hers? possibly. It could also be her mother’s. The effect of the air being blown out could symbolise birth, menstruation, or sex. She may be afraid of her bodily functions and the shock of growing up. The pressures of sex and birth,- the latter coming from her mother. The Electra complex, in its most basic form, suggests that a girl needs to form a strong relationship with her father in order to resolve the difficulty of not having a penis.
This is all a laughable situation, but believable from the psychodynamic approach. In order to resolve this complex, she needs to associate with her father and in doing so, develop her super ego.
Naturally this is all bollocks. It is likely she had a bad experience when she was young and the air-conditioning became associated with the experience.
More soon
x
[click to enlarge]
Today was dull. I sat on my bed in a skirt and surfed the internet for most of it.
The only development to report is that Leanna finally understands what was wrong and forgives me. She harbours a dislike for what i did, but she understands it.
Ironically things were resolved through this blog. She found it and read the entries on her. Although the post degraded her, it helped her understand my motives and we resolved the stand off that has lasted the last few weeks.
We are now friends again and are talking civilly on msn (something i never thought would happen again).
That is all for now.. Good night
The experiment begins today. I shall live as a female for an entire week. As unimpressive as this sounds, i feel i could be a real challenge for me. Also a great joy. This is the last week before i depart for university and i don’t know how long it will be before i can dress again. This is my last change and i wish to get the most out of it.
There is a transgender society at uni, but i am worried about the demography of those that will attend and the possible stigma associated with attending myself. All will be revealed. This week i shall take more photos. I have little or nothing to be doing so i shall attempt to pose for your viewing pleasure. Since i posted the first photo, i have had a 100% increase in views to my blog. I am flattered and can only hope that i shall see a similar increase with each photo added.
Yesterday, (22nd september) I drove my brother to his university in Wales. The road was long and dull. It gave me alot of time to think about my own issues and although i came to many a conclusion, i can remember very few of them. For this reason i shall only write them here when i can remember most of them.
Lily sent me a lovely letter. It was a classic love letter. I opened the suitably bulky envelope and emptied the contents onto my bed. There were sequins, petals of a most beautiful flower, stones and other shiny miscellanea. The letter was inscribed with red pen on pink paper that was scented with her perfume. That was enough to make me smile. I read it through and sat back and cried for a while. She loves me so much. To have such a consummate and reciprocated love is a rare and beautiful thing. It seems that the closer i come to leaving for uni, the more in love i fall. Balls….
more later
x
Jenny.
The girl who was the fixation of my early pubescence dreams. She occupied every waking moment of my year 10 life. I was infatuated. The back of my French book is still scribbled with hearts and poems. She was almost enough to distract me from my crossdressing. I spent so much time and effort on her and i was never rewarded. She was untouchable. Way out of my league. Yet hope was still in my mind. That almost destroyed me.
For no reason at all, i felt used. I put the effort in, she left me nothing.
It has been a year since i had seen her. I am getting bored of this emotionally charged and clichéd entry already. Suffice to say that i say her again last night and she was totally different with out lust clouding my vision. It is probably for the best that i didn’t get her. …probably.
Oh well… my brother is home today and although he knows of my crossdressing, i don’t like to do it in front of him. I will be wearing a nightie to bed this evening to make up for my male appearance over the day.
Apologies for the poor and short entry, little of interest has happened and i am feeling a lack of creativity. I am going to do some sketching. If they are any good i will upload them some time this week.
My morning was lazy and i only left my bed to attend a ‘retro gaming day’ at Duncan’s. I drove through central London during the rush hour (an act i never wish to repeat). I arrived late but was still let in and allowed to partake till the termination just before 1900. International talk like a pirate day was also observed.
This ending left me in a limbo. I had no where to sleep and nothing to do until i had to bed down. I cruised the estates of the town for the next hour searching for free wireless internet and wasting petrol. I found a suitable access point and settled down in my car with my laptop in my knees. I did the standard checks of the sites i frequent and talked with a few friends online. Lou, one of the aforementioned friends, was having troubles with men. People often come to me for assistance in such matters. I don’t know why. I am never usually of help. All i do is talk to them and act as an expansion of their mind so that they may recall things they say and see how they sound.
It was decided that i should drive to see her, as i had nothing else to do. I met Lou for the first time last summer. We had a fairly open relationship and she was the second person i told about being transgendered. She was a great help. She took me shopping and although i have never dressed for her, she was instrumental in my coming out. It is for this reason that we always help each other out in social situations we find ourselves unable to cope with. The boy she is currently obsessed with has not been treating her right and we spent the night walking in fields having discourses in an attempt to find the solution.
I had not seen her in a few months and it was nice to talk again. She is pretty, short and obsessive. If she gets an idea in her mind, she will think of nothing else. In all probability, she will never follow through with the plans that are products of her obsessions, but it still consumes her.
We said our goodbyes and i drove back to town to find somewhere suitable to park the car and sleep. I chose a quite close out of town and pulled back my chair and put on a jumper. BBC radio 4 got me through to 0200, but after that i was having great difficulty in relaxing and sleeping. I must have slept for a while, albeit only for an hour or two, for i had a dream that the tide had coming in and washed my car against a wall. I awoke and watched the sunrise and the street lamps turn off. First came paper boys, then dog walkers and finally people driving to the city to do their important jobs. In the observing role, i felt rather sad. I was left out of the normalities of life. My current nomadic existence was taking its toll on my mood.
Big day coming up. I had better go and prepare.
