Today was a fantasy

I awoke at 0900 and got in the car. I was to drive to the festival to pick up Lily. We were missing each other. I got to the car park and was accosted by her friends wanting me to buy alcohol for them. Naturally i did. I have relied on older people many times for my drink, i felt i should always be the one to pass the tradition on. After all that, i wasn’t even asked for ID.

We drove home and played around for a while. We have been a fairly adventurous couple.. and we took it to new levels today. For the entire morning, i was her dolly. She dressed me and played with me as a girl. It was wonderful. I feel i have caught up on a lot of my missed childhood.

At one i had to go to a meeting about a holiday my friends have planned on the coast. That was a good laugh and when i drove home, things had changed a bit. Lily became very dominant. I was put in feminine clothing and made to eat on the floor and be her slave for a while. All this was great fun, but very scary. A vast contrast to the comfort i felt in the morning. She hit me and made me feel worthless, yet girly. This combination was very nice and it was a pleasure to serve her.

We had sex a total of four times, although she orgasmed more because i was ordered to make her. Although it was nice, i am not sure if i would do it again. Being dominant is just as difficult, although less painful.

After dinner, we went to the woods and she taught me archery. I got good very fast. I could hit a small leaf from rather far away in a few hours. It was quite serene, the sun was setting in the forest as we were being strangely romantic. I was still dressed in female clothes.

I drove her back to her tent at the festival before her friends would miss her.

A most satisfactory day.

And then, to dinner.

My Alevel results were not favourable. They were not bad. There was an A in there somewhere which pleased me.

I did not get enough to get in to the university that i wanted to, but after several phone calls, they let me in. They must have seen what a nice person i am.

I went out to celebrate with mother for lunch. See seemed really pleased and kept on getting messages from people congratulating me. I drove to town, for that afternoon i was going on the radio to have a rant about exams. That went amazingly well. I really enjoyed the experience of being in a studio and broadcasting. Apparently my university has a radio station in which i will have to get involved.

After getting back from town, father decided he wanted to take me out and bring mother too. A new French restaurant had just opened and it was deemed appropriate to go in and have a look. After some awkward polite talk between my parents, (i was sitting between them) I started on the wine. I polished off one bottle of white before excusing myself to go out with some friends. Everyone was meeting in the high-street for celebrations. We moved from bar to bar and pub to pub. The penultimate tavern we entered, i saw some of me teachers. Well, two of my favourite teachers who know about my crossdressing and love it. Laura and Emma had taught me psychology and English respectively and had made each subject fascinating in the only way that post-modern feminists can. I love them both dearly. Laura is the one who i had kissed at the leaver’s ball, and this was the first time i had properly seen her since then.

I broke away from my friends and went for a chat. They even bought me a congratulatory drink. As far as i can tell, i will never be able to take our relationship further. She is far too good at hiding her feelings, but, as she is hiding them i can only assume she does not wish me to know them. Pity, i think it could be rather fun.

She said i could meet up with the teachers at Christmas time. There may be a reunion.

I am very excited about going to uni. Should be highly amazing.

Upset mode

Today was not fun. Jess and I, woke up and decided to go to the shops in town.

I drove to the most convenient car park and got out to pay. The machine played around with me a while before over charging me and not giving my any change. I knew this was the herald of a bad day to come. I really do not like predictions or having ‘bad feelings’, but I had a really bad feeling.

We walked to the main area of the shops and started to walk up and down the high street entering all the charity shops looking for second-hand treasures. I found some old dvds of Alice in Wonderland (one of my favourite books) and bought them. The big shopping centre was next on the list. We went in and went from shop to shop. My mood was going from bad to worse. Every shop highlighted the fact that i was male and couldn’t have anything that was not designed for me. Every shop was divided into two parts. Male and Female. There was nothing for me. Nothing was androgynous. Black or white, male or female. There was no cross-over.

All the male clothes were greys and blues, All the female clothes were bright and exciting colours. Apparently men are denied such pleasures. I felt so out of place. I had to leave and sit down outside. The entire thing was awful. I felt wretched.

I had to drive home and when i did, i just sat on my bed for a while. Mother thought it would be nice to go and see a play that evening. We were all getting ready to go when i just couldn’t get up. I told her i really didn’t want to go. I was so miserable about so much that i knew i wouldn’t enjoy it. I love going to see plays and things like that. They are always so beautiful but i feel i couldn’t face one.

Mother got all worried and fussed; the last thing that i needed. I decided to have a bath and get into my favourite skirt and jumper and curl up on the sofa. After a little cry over all of life’s hardships, i went to bed. I suppose i am very wound up about my results, moving house, going to uni and all the rest.

Maybe things will be better after my results on Thursday. Expect another update then. Either happy or very sad.

We shall see.

Mother’s Aftermath

I awoke late and had a nice long and warm shower. Wearing my nicest summer skirt (for it was hot) I sat in the garden taking photos of plants with my new macro lens that I purchased from Oxfam for £4. A wonderful bargain. I shall upload some of the new photos when I get the time. Then mother’s friend came round and I had to change out of my skirt. I know that she knows about my crossdressing, but doing in front of someone new is always difficult. I would prefer the discomfort of trousers to the discomfort of having an audience. I wonder if this means I am still in the closet. I let people know I am a transgendered person, but I rarely let them see it. I suppose I am out, but with one foot firmly stuck in the door. I hope to be fully out soon enough, but university is going to present numerous new problems for my mind. I only have to wait till the end of summer to see how things will be. It is possible the people I will meet will be the nicest and most understanding specimens, but it is also possible for the opposite to occur.
I decided to escape the house for a while and go on a walk around the park. I took my book and my camera. It is a beautiful park. There were many small groups of boys my age just sitting and playing guitars and talking etc. I was suddenly very jealous of them. Why couldn’t I just be a normal boy with normal boy troubles? I would love to be able to just sit in a park surrounded by my friends without feeling that I should be pretending to be something I am not.
Oh enough feeling sorry for myself.
Mother has been revising for an exam tomorrow. She is studying medicine and is taking her penultimate exams. The last will be her finials at the same time next year. Good luck to her. If I get in to university next year, Doug, mum and I will all be in higher education at the same time. Oh I do hope I can get into Leicester. It is such a beautiful university and a perfect course for me. I am aware that the odds of me getting in are highly stacked against me. My only hope is that I can ring them and plead my case on results day.
Never mind
Talk to you tomorrow.

Mother’s depression

Kept up late last night by the crescent mood through my curtain-less windows, I was woken by the sun at a very early hour. Being cunning and resourceful as ever, I rolled over and hid myself in the perpetual shade. Three hours late I awoke and attended to myself. I ate, showered and made ready for the day ahead. The shower consisted of ridding my self of most of my hair, and washing that which remains. It seems odd to me how girls are not allowed (by social laws) to have hair anywhere but their heads, where it must be long and on show. Silly humans.
Mother went out for a shop while I wrote, read and composed. Not at the same time you understand; that would just be too much. Talented as I am, I am yet to reach such standards. I was considering a list I found in my old diary. It detailed attributes people would have and challenges they would have completed before I would fully respect them. I will publish the list fully whence I have reviewed it further and brought it up to date.
Mother returned home and I helped unload the shopping. I chose this to be the perfect time to find out what was making her feel upset. After a long interrogation, it became clear that the man she had been see of late, lacked fidelity (*gasps*). A woman had contacted mother through facebook saying that they should probably talk. There was a phone conversation and all was revealed.
Mother is now on anti-depressants, which I think is a bit too much seeing as she was just cheated upon. We mustn’t use psychotropic drugs so lightly. I cannot talk; for I was on them earlier this year, but I believe that my condition was significantly worse than mother’s is at the moment.
I have just glanced at my statistics for this blog and find it mildly distressing that most people have found it by searching Google for cross dresser porn. The shame. I will be uploading some photos soon, but none will be of a sexual nature. Sorry to all you horny bastards. You will have to manage with out my perfect body on your screens. Some photos will be very alluring, but none will be without clothes.
Lunch was a simple sandwich followed by a few hours of reading in the sun outside. I have missed having a garden. The past year I have lived in two houses which have been in the centre of towns and have had no gardens. It is a true freedom to have somewhere to roam. I made a BBQ and cooked far too much meat.
This evening I intend to dress up in my favourite skirt and watch a soppy film. Occasionally every girl needs an evening like this…
Ice cream may be involved.

Please comment if you enjoy my stories of life. They get more interesting with feedback. Coming up next week are my exam results so make sure you come back for that instalment. I am sure it will be full of emotion.
Till tomorrow,
X
- Alice

Thievery contraption

We got up and finished making our prototype bag. Jess then got the news that her parents would be returning early. I was allowed to be there, but I prefer not to encounter parents when I am wearing my summer flowing skirt. We packed up and I headed off. The drive to mother’s was long and uneventful. When I arrived I decided to start to type up my old diary entries. Then I received a call from Jess. Turns out we had been burgled. Her laptop, phone and camera were all taken.

Fucking builders. They were working opposite the house most of the week and would have known that we were the only two in. They were packing up when we left for the shops yesterday. This gives them the perfect alibi; they can say they ‘didn’t see anyone and the burglars probably came after we had gone officer’

Cunts.

Bags on ebay

Awoken by Leanna at the door at 0800hrs. Far too early. I beckoned her up to my room and we slept awhile. She is so unresponsive. When you lie next to each other, you expect there to be a bond, of sorts. You expect that if you stroke or pent, they will respond in kind, not sit like a rock.

We awoke at 1000hrs and made polite conversation. I find I can rarely get on with someone who can’t understand my need to wear a negligée to bed. They just don’t seem to ‘click’ with me. Similar with my political ideologies, I cannot seem to make indepth conversation with people who do not believe in the same sort of things that I do. I can engage with them and have a wonderful discussion, but nothing deep or lasting will come of it.

It was one of the first properly sunny days for a long while. Because of this, we walked to the park and sat against a tree. We made more light conversation until 1400hrs. It was so boring! I am not even sure she enjoyed it. The only reason I stay with it is so that she doesn’t hurt her self. The highlight was me telling her about Steph, a girl of my acquaintance of whom you will hear more later…

We said goodbye on more chilling polite terms and then I drove to Jess’s house. She semed subdued when i met her, but she soon cheered up to be her normal self. We decided to make our playsuit-coveralls. We drew out the pattern and cut the material. We had been working on this idea for a while now. When one is young, one has playsuits that means you can get totally messy and have fun in without bothering about spoiling it, (because it was made to be spoilt). We wanted to replicate this but for adults. They would also be wonderfully androgynous.

We decided we should then go to the shops. All the windows were open and I expressed my concern about the suspicious builders who were eyeing-up the house. Jess said it was fine and they had never been burgled before. We went to the shops and had an idea for selling home made bags online. The idea soon took hold of me (as such ideas usually do) and after finishing the coverall, we set about designing the bags. After having a bacon based dinner,  we went to sleep in each other’s arms. [Jess is wonderfully responsive.]

The ‘week’

This past week, I have spent at a friend’s. She loves me. No question about that. It is not that I am complacent about the status of my relationships (I seldom am), and it is not a feeling I get. It is more to do with the fact that she seems to be willing to give everything up for me. Many of my former admirers would hurls themselves at me but leave a toe surreptitiously hooked to a safety line. This friend seems to hurl caution to the winds and go for it. A weird but pleasant experience.

We decided a while ago to spend a week together in the summer. She had a free house and I had a free schedule. Everything seemed perfect. A few weekends before, I moved house with my mother up to the West-Midlands. As I drove back to my friend’s house to move in for the week, I stopped off to see another friend. I spent the night there and then went on.

The first few days there were great. I was really rather happy. We were alone. I could dress as I pleased (both of these friends are crossdresser friendly). We went shopping and drinking and just generally had a good time. The other friend who i had stopped off at came over later in the week and there was a bit of tension. I ain’t entirely sure why. We are all good friends. We have had three-somes before and we spend lots of time together. I suppose it was my nerves. I haven’t been feeling great recently. I have been on edge and a bit low. There is the trauma of

• Alevels
• moving house
• the leavers ball and the following rumours
• girl friend situation
• parental divorce
• gender dysphoria
• teenage mental health clinics that lack mentally
• terror of results and university soon

‘Girl friend issues?’ I hear you cry. Well yes… although many are wanting me for themselves, I have no idea which I want. I know it doesn’t sound that terrible, but when one is a crossdresser with more mental issues that you can shake a stick at then it is difficult. At the moment, I have the following girls on my list of those who fancy me possibly or I fancy.

• • Leanna
  • Kitten
  • Abi
  • Emma
  • Lauren
  • Anna
  • Sarah
  • Monika

Some will never happen. Other could if I wanted them to.

The reason some of them are putting pressure on my normal life is as follows. Most do not know or acknowledge my lack of a rigid gender. Some are so emotionally charged that they threaten me to pretend to love them so they don’t kill/harm themselves. Honestly!

I was out one night with my friends and Leanna rang me and was threatening to slit her wrists unless i became her boy friend right then. That was a challenging evening.

Anyway. I have come home from my week away and am catching up with all my lost internet time. I plan to update my lost entries on the weekend when i have access to my old diarys.

Genesis

And so, I shall attempt to bring you up-to-date, by writing up all my previous diary entries on to here. Many are from a long time ago and have massive gaps between them, but I think you should be able to catch up. The more recent ones should be more constant. We shall see.

Anyway, this should be an interesting journey for the both of us. Me the writer and you the reader. Let us hold hands and take a jaunt down my life’s path. It ain’t all pleasant. Lots of thorns and nettles, but the occasional ray of sunshine so you don’t think you are reading some awful standard teenage rant. This should be an inspired piece of writing. But you will have to excuse all the mistakes and lack of style for a while. Just until I get my feet again.